A Dark Week

Two weeks ago, I wrote about a potential personal catastrophe that was lurking on the set of American Idol.

Then, this past Wednesday afternoon, a reader of this blog emailed me this link, commenting, “You’re safe!”

I clicked the link. 24 names. No Tim Urban.

YES.

I had done it. I had thwarted the coup. I would not be “The Other Tim Urban” for the rest of my life. The hordes of middle school girls would disappear from my inbox. It was the greatest threat to my name yet and I had survived.

I was safe.

I scanned over the list a few times to make absolutely sure there was no “Tim Urban” on it, leaned back and released a deep sigh of relief.

Suddenly, it all seemed silly. Only 12 guys make it – so really, what were the chances? I had gotten my panties all up in a bunch over mere speculation. I chuckled to myself, satisfied. “You’ve still got it, Tim. You’re still the best Tim Urban around.”

That night, I flipped on the TV. Suddenly, American Idol would be fun to watch again. In fact, I was looking forward to watching Tim Urban be told by the judges that he didn’t make it. “Sorry, Tim,” they’d say, “there’s only room for one Tim Urban in the F-list celebrity world. Sorry, but you’re not going through.” And he’d get up, dejected, having been put squarely back in his place. He’d walk that long walk—away from the judges, out of the building, and back into anonymity. Yes, this was gonna be fun.

So the episode began, and they started filling up those final Top 24 slots. We hit the halfway point. No Tim yet. The 45-minute mark. Tim’s fate was yet to be announced. “I guess they’re saving him for the end,” I thought, calmly.

And then something happened.

They showed one of those quick montages of 3 or 4 people getting the “You’ve made it” from the judges—

I froze. Tim Urban’s face had appeared in this montage, smiling.

I rewound the Tivo. Again, there he was in the “You’ve made it” montage.

Smiling.

I spit out my drink.

I raced to my laptop and googled “Idol Top 24 2010” and I found this. I stared at the screen in horror.

I closed my laptop. I stood completely still. I took a deep, slow breath in. I puffed out my chest, tilted my head back, reached my arms out, palms up to the sky, and let out a long, slow, tortured bellow.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.”

For your reference, it was the identical reaction to the one Jafar had when the Cave of Wonders swallowed up Aladdin and Abu and he suddenly realized that Abu had stolen the lamp.

The next phase was one of “freaking out.” I raced through options in my head. You can move. You can move to Western China. No one watches American Idol in Western China. Or—or, you can kill him. You can find a hit man and it’ll be an anonymous job. You can find a hit man on Craigslist maybe. Or you—or you can change your name. You were Timmy when you were seven. Maybe you can be Timmy again. Or you can force him to be Timmy. Through blackmail. And kidnapping. You can jump off this balcony. That’ll make headlines, right?

This went on for about 10 minutes.

The third phase involved a personal pep talk. Tim, relaxxxx. It’s just a TV show. And so what if the ratings have consistently hit 30,000,000 a week for the first eight seasons? Who says the ratings won’t suddenly be dismal this year? Maybe they’ll be so dismal that the show will be pulled by Fox mid-season. See? There’s nothing to worry about. The show won’t last all of five episodes before they cancel it for its dismal, pathetic ratings.

In Phase Four, I bathed in a deep well of “panicking about the worst case scenario.” I envisioned Tim Urban not only winning the show, but becoming a Kelly Clarkson / Carrie Underwood-level megastar. This phase quickly ended up back in Western China, and migrated from there to the Stans, where I began rehashing through old memories, trying to envision what kind of life I could carve out for myself after my inevitable move there. I thought wistfully about my future as a Kyrgysh shepherd and wondered if it would be hard for me to slaughter my sheep after spending much time with them out on the hills.

I was in a dark place.

Nice work, Chris Golightly.

Finally, I reached Phase Five: Acceptance.

You win, Tim Urban.

You have defeated me. Broken me.

Just let me beg of you this—please, please, do not become a household name. You won the Google war (it’s currently a hostile takeover, and I will be vanquished entirely in a few days time). You’re younger. You have thick, flowing hair. You sing like a little angel. Your show gets four times the ratings that mine did. You’re current, I’m a has-been.

You win.

Just please be merciful. Don’t become a household name.

Look at me, Tim Urban. I’m not fighting anymore. I’m washed up. I’m an F-list celebrity. Even my mom doesn’t recognize me on the street anymore. I’m not going to hurt you.

So just please be merciful.

43 comments:

Anonymous said...

The Idol Tim Urban isn't being merciful. There's already a handful of shirtless pics of him floating around all the Idol fan sites, and all the teenage girls are in love with him. :(

Anonymous said...

I'm pissing my pants. Funniest thing I've ever read.

Tovah said...

Completely amazing. Also, rest assured that 20 years later, I still call you Timmy.

Anonymous said...

Found your blog through VFTW. Love it!

Anonymous said...

There is rumor that the imposter has been to the "Stans" and the Amazon and plans to be the first T. Urban on the moon!

The Bushwood Staff said...

Great post, recently just discovered your stuff and dig it. Check out http://gamblingatbushwood.blogspot.com/ to see if you might find something you dig. Appreciate it!

Kristi Mantoni said...

I too am here via VFTW and I'm glad I came! Too funny!!!!!! I'll be sharing this with my friends in hopes that you will once again be the most famous Tim Urban!

Anonymous said...

Hilarious!

Your problem soon might be that Idol Tim's fans will actually mistake you for him. Being fodder on Idol is not a good thing!

You need to become "Timothy Urbane." Better name for the better Tim.

Anonymous said...

you're gonna be just fine.

your old readers will still be here and the new 13 year old ones also will.

the best "acceptance" solution i can think of is getting a jamming section going on with the little virgin backstreet boy and editing it yourself so he'll sound like a little virgin backstreet boy.

or maybe that'd fit best in the "freaking out" stage but i'm not really good with labels.

Tony R. said...

I LOVE this! I've been reading this blog for over an hour and I'm hooked. Bookmarking it so I can eventually get through the whole thing. One of the best hidden gems on the web.

Anonymous said...

get over it.
you're killing your own blog.
don't kill the blog, dude.

now please tell us about that 19 items list about whatever it is that has no connection to simon cowell and will make me laugh my head off. take it from me, you're good at that.

Anonymous said...

lol, this is funny, but i think you're acting a little bit too delusional. of course there are gonna be people with the same name as you, deal with it.

Anonymous said...

Seriously, this is completely awesome! I wish my brother - the "Other" Tim - could see this right now b/c he'd laugh reading it! I think this is boosting your blog ratings at the moment, man. The entry about Western China was brilliant and brought back some great memories!

Btw, the other "Tim" was def. nicknamed Timmy when he was little...

Anonymous said...

I have a friend in L.A. who is named Richard Schroder - just like little "Ricky Schroder" from "Silver Spoons. When Lil' Ricky was hot, my friend used to get all sorts of teenage girls calling and giggling.

You should do what I suggested to him: Tell the girls to come and visit you, then selling them to the Arabs as white slaves. Might as well turn a profit on your misfortune... (just kidding)

Anonymous said...

Wait wait wait-- the comment two above this one-- are you the brother (or sister) of the Tim Urban on Idol? If so that's hilarious. Does your brother know about this Tim? (I assume he's got a lot on his plate at this moment)

Anonymous said...

You're hired!

Other Donald Trump .....

Anonymous said...

What, no! You can't be the "other" Tim Urban.

That kid only has a swanky voice and young-boy looks, at least you have the smarts and great writing skills. PLEASE DON'T LEAVE US LITERACY PLEASE DON'T.

Anonymous said...

I have been reading your blog for the last while; I like your writing style even I recommend to my daughter who thinksit is very amusing and hilarious.... Just wondering why guys like you-a graduate of Harvard school- has to use profanity and swear words (or it is a culture thing?).Keep it clean. PLEASE!!!

Ms I Know Nothing said...

HAHAHaaa, a great post TIM URBAN!

Anonymous said...

Answer to Anonymous at 7:46

Yeah, Tim (my younger brother) knows about the blog entries. I don't know if he's read this one, but he knows this Tim is blogging about him/them. My family thinks these posts (minus the profanity) are really funny!

Btw, Tim, your blog is being talked about in the Dallas Morning News - see, the "other" Tim is putting you in the spotlight again! (http://www.dallasnews.com/sharedcontent/dws/ent/television/stories/DN-idol_0223gd.State.Edition1.27aa64b.html)

Jenn said...

Absolutely hilarious.

Anonymous said...

I have older sibling syndrome, when newbies come around odds are they're gonna mess up my parents and eat all my chocolate.

Hope that's not the case.

Newman said...

Great post today. I thought about you the first time I heard the other Tim's name come up on Idol. But what was even better is the Aladdin reference in the middle of your rant!

Allison M said...

You were #4 on google this morning! Anyway, I think this blog is hilarious and I'll definitely keep checking in.

Anonymous said...

tim, remember when you wanted wider blog readership by having ten friends tell their ten friends? BAM 30 million new readers just found their way to your blog.

Anonymous said...

Vote For The Worst picks Tim Urban

Anonymous said...

Well, the good news is, you're still on top of the list when one googles "tim urban shirtless." The bad news is, I was actually looking for the shirtless photos of the other Tim Urban. He came up second on the google search, and boy, he is WAY hotter! He'll be on top of that google search in no time.

Anonymous said...

Ooh rough night for Tim Urban the singer. You might survive this yet.

Anonymous said...

I just read the entire front page of this blog. Gold.

Anonymous said...

hey tim. maybe if you weren't suck a jerk about everything you would still be at the top of google. just a tought.

AG said...

haha...just found out about your website from one of the anti-american idol websites. Unfortunately for you, the OTHER Tim Urban made it to the next round. Look fwd to reading your reaction! lol. :)

Anonymous said...

looks like you are gonna have to deal with being the "other tim urban" for a lot longer. between all the tween girls and soccer moms i don't think he is going anywhere.

Anonymous said...

Just discovered your blog while Googling Tim Urban... You are hysterical. And don't worry, Tim Urban on American Idol can't sing nearly as well as anyone else on the show. Eventually he won't be able to get by the horny teenage girl vote.

Cassidy said...

your NOT going to be happy about this...

TIM URBAN (idol one) is safe 1 more week or American idol. If you watched te results show last night, america's idol Tim urban fantards agree that his cat schreeching performance that butchered one of my favourite songs and decided to keep him because he was good looking and do-able. Don't believe me? Check http://votefortheworst.com !!!!!!

Dagger Deeds said...

"You sing like a little fucking angel..."

Uhm, Idol Tim murdered one of my favorite songs (Apologize by OneRepublic), so, I don't know. I'm not yet impressed with him. Maybe he gets the boot soon?

Anonymous said...

For the sake of becoming the best-known Tim Urban again, i suggest you audition American idol next year and do something ridiculous!

Anonymous said...

aw crap tim not only have 87203987412093741097301 people and their grammas found your page, spam has as well D:

on the bright side, i am very happy that your amazing writing will now be read by millions. i love sharing your blog with people, your writing is just the most amazing thing.

Anonymous said...

he's a horrible singer though, that american idol guy.

VinVin said...

Tim Urban is beautiful...and TOPLESS!!! (American Idol Season 9)



Don't hate me but I'm sincerely praying for Tim Urban. Hope he makes it to the Top...well...12...5...3? Ok, that's too much already. But he's improving.



I love Tim.



See another topless photo here:



http://www.vinvinjacla.com/2010/03/tim-urban-is-beautifuland-topless.html




(^_^) www.vinvinjacla.com (^_^)

Anonymous said...

Sorry to tell you this because I like your blog ... but I only found it because I googled the ... uh ... other Tim Urban after he performed tonight on AI.

Sorry, dude.

Anonymous said...

Ha ha! Reminds me of Michael Bolton from Office Space, and that other Michael Bolton, the "no talent ass-clown."

Anonymous said...

I like the other Tim Urban better!

Much sweeter and definitely doesn't come off as bitter.

Anonymous said...

sadly one is better looking. apparently one hates the other for having the same name and claiming to have altered their popularity in the wrong way ,pretty fucking idiotic thing to be discussing if you ask me. Just deal with it tim, instead of ranting on. And shit dude you even made two parts to it!