Florida

Various human beings I know are becoming irritated with me for posting so little lately. I have a good excuse. I'm still on spring break. It lasts a full two weeks, and I'll be damned if I'm not gonna take full advantage of that time. Come Monday, I'll be back in full form, detailing every mundane event in my wild existence.

I spent the past few days visiting my grandparents in Florida. The crowd consisted of myself and various 87-year-olds for most of the time. Much to my dismay, my visit didn't coincide with either Monday night bowling or Tuesday night Bingo, two of my favorite possible activities. I'm still angry after losing in bowling last time to my nemesis-- Judy-- an elderly woman who was bowling against my team. Judy was as smug as they come, and though most witnesses will claim that our rivalry was all in my imagination, I know better-- Judy coughed more than once during my delivery. Missing Bingo is crushing on all fronts, mainly because it would have been another opportunity to stick it to that sneaky old bitch Judy. Next year, I guess.

This year's visit consisted mainly of hanging out in the 95 degree swimming pool.* And of course, a visit to Florida wouldn't be a visit to Florida without a couple staple experiences:

-My grandparents yelling at a waiter. This is usually hard to hear through the chorus of elderly customers yelling at their respective waiters.

-My great uncle giving me the following advice in one sitting:
--"Don't go to Asia. Leave Asia for the Asia-atics." (I don't know what this means, but he said "oriental" a lot)
--"Stay single, but use two condoms, or else you'll get ganasipheroids" (dead serious)
--"Computers are a Communist plot" (also dead serious)
He also refuses to use the button on the car key, insisting on putting the key in the door, like the way it should be.

-A 90-year-old yelling at me to shower before I get in the pool.

-Me almost being hit by someone who can't see well backing quickly out of a parking spot.

-The kitchen scene. It goes something like this:

Tim: [walks into kitchen to get a glass of water]
Grandmother: Timothy, what are you looking for?
Tim: Nothing, I'm just getting some water.
Grandmother: What's wrong? Are you hungry?
Tim: No, I'm just a little thirsty.
Grandmother: Do you want me to make you something to eat?
Tim: No, I'm not hungry. I'm just getting some water.
Grandmother: Sit down, I'll make you something to eat.
Tim: I'm not hungry. I'm just thirsty.
Grandmother: Why are you thirsty? Are you feeling sick?
Tim: No, I just wanted a glass of water.
Grandmother: I have medicine, you know. Do you want an aspirin?
Tim: No, I'm just thirsty.

[Grandfather enters]

Grandfather: Timothy, what's wrong?
Tim: Noth--
Grandmother: Eddie, go and get Timothy an aspirin.
Grandfather: Why does he need a hankerchief?
Grandmother: An ASPIRIN, Eddie.
Grandfather: Oh, is he sick?
Tim: No, I just wanted a glass of water.
Grandfather: Timothy, we have medicine, you know, if you're feeling sick.
Tim: No, I'm just a little thirsty.
Grandmother: Eddie, go get the aspirin.
Grandfather: Timothy, sit down, for Chrissake! We'll get you some aspirin.

And so on.

A good kitchen scene at least partially makes up for the lack of bowling and bingo. And there's always next year.

*I prefer warm swimming pools. The warmer, the better as far as I'm concerned. People always like to make themselves feel good about themselves by pretending they like cold pools. When I hear people say the following words describing the temperature of a pool, I know to translate to the truth:

Spoken: It's refreshing
Translation: It's excruciatingly frigid

Spoken: It's nice
Translation: It's miserably cold

Spoken: It's warm
Translation: It's cold

Spoken: It's like a bathtub/It's gross
Translation: It's nice. Possibly a bit cold.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

a 97 degree pool with a bunch of 87 year olds? i don't think i have to tell you what you were swimming in, buddy.

Anonymous said...

what's 50 feet long and smells like urine? a conga line in a nursing home....
hope you enjoyed your swim.

Anonymous said...

your bingo comment as relates to the elderly bitch reminds me of a "curb" i saw. are you sure you're not larry david?

Anonymous said...

brilliant

Erika said...

Tim, Karl told me he was going to have a conversation with you. Sorry, I should have warned you but since you stood me up you deserved it. I laugh every time I read about grandma and grandpa, I can literally hear the conversation. Thanks for the laugh!