Company Grades

We all interact with a lot of companies.  And companies that become a part of your continual existence usually fall into one of three categories:

1) Good companies that you like interacting with

2) Less-than-good companies, but good enough that out of laziness and inertia, you'll continue to interact with them

3) Companies that you hate, but that you're forced to interact with because they're the best/only option for a product or service that you need

In discussing some common companies, let's start on a positive note.  Then we can end on a really negative note, which is always nice.

Category 1:  Good companies that I like interacting with

Company:  Google
Personality:  Smart; logical
Intelligence:  Incredibly high
Dickishness:  Low
Creepiness:  Low
My general mood when interacting with them:  Varies; that's like asking, what's your general mood when breathing oxygen?
Grade: A

Comments:  Google is as good as it gets.  Every product they put out is innovative, user-friendly, aesthetically pleasing, and utterly practical.  Everything they do makes sense.  They're always a step ahead of my thinking, always surprising me.  If they buy a company, they're going to make it much better (the site you're on, Blogger, is an example).  4/5 people are on Gmail now, and that's for one reason only—it's much better than all the existing options (same reason everyone ditched their default web browser for Google a decade ago).  Google is just run by smarter people than the other companies.

Company:  Apple
Personality:  Delicious
Intelligence:  Incredibly high
Dickishness:  Low
Creepiness:  Moderate-Low
My general mood when interacting with them: Wide-eyed; happy
Grade:  A



Comments:  [Disclaimer: if you don't like Apple, this paragraph is going to annoy you]  The only company I admire as much as Google.  Everything Apple does is brilliant.  They're incredibly un-lazy.  They're ridiculously innovative.  They see the big picture and think in the long term better than any other company.  They don't create the best product of the existing categories—they invent the categories in the first place.  Rather than create an even better-sounding, smaller CD, they invented the iPod and revolutionized the whole music industry.  Rather than find a way to make Flash work on iPhones, they're going to put Adobe out of business and move the entire world over to HTML5, which they believe is superior to Flash.  They not only catapulted the whole smart phone industry a decade ahead, they jumpstarted a booming industry for phone apps, and now they're changing the face of mobile advertising.  I have no idea what the future of tablet computers is, but you can be sure Apple will be leading the way. 

Company:  JetBlue
Personality:  Friendly, good-looking
Intelligence:  Moderate-high
Dickishness:  Low
Creepiness:  Low
My general mood when interacting with them:  Frantic and panicky;  excited and happy once I'm on the plane
Grade: A-

Comments:  Unlike the above two companies, JetBlue isn't doing anything groundbreaking.  They're just a really user-friendly, sensible, personable company in an industry of gray, faceless giants.  Their website is easier to use than all the others.  Their rewards program is the only one I can figure out.  Their customer service is far more friendly, accessible, and reasonable than any of the others.  Their marketing is sharp and clever.  Their planes are more comfortable than the others and they have TVs.  Even their plane snacks are better.  Maybe they're better because they're smaller, maybe they're better because they're run by smarter people—but whatever the case, I fly with them whenever possible. 

Company:  Amazon
Personality:  Reliable
Intelligence:  High
Dickishness:  Low
Creepiness:  Low
My general mood when interacting with them:  Spendy
Grade:  A-

Comments:  I'm always impressed by a company that starts out with a niche product (books) and finds a way to become a super-giant.  Google did this.  Apple did this.  Nike is the classic example.  Nike used brilliant marketing, over a bunch of years, to create an image that they were a cool brand, not just a sneaker company.

Well Amazon did the same thing.  If Amazon were run by less intelligent people, they could easily have disappeared at the end of the dot-com boom like so many others.  Instead, an online book company has become the online shopping marketplace for countless people.  No matter what I want to buy online, I'll probably end up buying it from Amazon.  Part of the reason is the intense ease of interacting with the website.  Amazon has perfected the 30-second start-to-finish shopping experience.  Which is a horrible thing for impulse buyers, and great for Amazon.

Company:  Charles Schwab
Personality:  Nice, for a bank
Intelligence:  High
Dickishness:  Incredibly low
Creepiness:  Low
My general mood when interacting with them:  Pleasantly surprised
Grade:  A

Comments:  When I was younger, Schwab sounded like a bad man company for bad man customers.  Charles Schwab itself just sounded like the name of a d-bag Wall Street dude (they've been doing a good job combating this image with the down-to-Earth "Talk to Chuck" ad campaign).  But then I started using Schwab for investments and was pleasantly surprised by my experience.  I liked working with them so much that I ditched Bank of America and now do everything with Schwab—investing, checking, and credit cards.

Why do I like them so much?  Because someone running Schwab was smart enough to dedicate a larger-than-normal part of their budget to customer service.  When I want to get on the phone with Bank of America, it takes 30 minutes of waiting and talking to the automated guy and being transferred before I'm finally on the phone with someone who can help—and that person is often unhelpful.  With Schwab, I can call them—any hour of the day or night—and I'm on the phone with a friendly and helpful person within thirty seconds.

Plus, Schwab reimburses all ATM fees.  Nice, right?

It's exactly like JetBlue—a smaller company just doing everything better than the bigger ones. 

Company:  FreshDirect
Personality:  Pleasant; it's an online grocery store so who cares
Intelligence:  High
Dickishness:  Low
Creepiness:  Low
My general mood when interacting with them:  Thrilled
Grade:  A

Comments:  I've already written about this.  It's hard for me to express how happy I am that they exist.  I hate going to the grocery store.  FreshDirect is cheaper than the grocery store, 100 times easier, and I eat a lot less shit because it's easy to have real food in the fridge at all times.  Plus, the website is wonderfully user-friendly.

Company:  Winston
Personality:  Mundane
Intelligence:  Low
Dickishness:  Low
Creepiness:  Moderate
My general mood when interacting with them:  Present; amused
Grade:  A-

Comments:  The only reason Winston received an A- and not a straight A is that he deuced on my couch yesterday.

Category 1 Honorable Mentions:  Dropbox, Pixar, Wikipedia, Honda, NPR

Category 2:  Less-than-good companies, but good enough that out of laziness and inertia, I'll continue to interact with them

 

 

Company:  Yahoo
Personality:  Clueless; lame
Intelligence:  Moderate
Dickishness:  Low
Creepiness:  Low
My general mood when interacting with them:  Resigned
Grade: C+

Comments:  The thing about Yahoo is that it has flashes of brilliance and dominates little sectors of the internet like their gossip site and their fantasy sports and some others.  And they've been good enough to stay relevant all this time.  And if Google didn't exist, I might actually think they were a good company.

But Google does exist, and when compared next to each other, Yahoo is simply worse at everything.  Yahoo had the world's attention before Google did, but Yahoo's massive user base (which is mostly there out of inertia, because that's what they're used to—not because it's better) is slowly but surely deserting Yahoo for Google, and it's clear why.  The email example sums it all up nicely—after college in 2004, I picked Yahoo for my email because it was the most common and seemed like a safe choice.  Then Gmail came around and people seemed to love it more than I loved Yahoo Mail, but I stayed for awhile because I was lazy and switching email addresses seemed icky.  And then I finally switched—and doing so was like going ten years into the future.  I stuck with Yahoo because I was lazy; I'm sticking with Gmail because it's great.  And that's exactly why Yahoo's market cap is $23 billion and Google's is $162 billion.

Company:  STA Travel
Personality:  Bitchy; uninterested
Intelligence:  Low
Dickishness:  High
Creepiness:  Moderate-Low
My general mood when interacting with them:  Frustrated
Grade:  D

Comments:  I used STA for years for the same reason I used Yahoo Mail for years—it was what I was used to.  And while they market themselves as the JetBlue of travel agencies, they're actually a badly-run company with horrible, unfriendly customer service.  They don't provide anything you can't find on the internet.  And yes, I'm basing much of this vitriol on one experience with one bitchy man who worked there.   

Company:  Starbucks
Personality:  Sassy; d-baggish
Intelligence:  Moderate
Dickishness:  Low
Creepiness:  Low
My general mood when interacting with them:   Excited that I'm about to have coffee
Grade:  B

Comments:  I don't hate Starbucks.  I actually like Starbucks.  Their coffee's good, the stores are pleasant and aesthetic, and they have free wifi.  The key is their low dickish rating.  The people who work there are actually pretty friendly, and I can sit there all day and work without anyone caring or bothering me.  There's always one wherever I go, so no matter what city I'm in, if I have my laptop then I have an office.  Their breakfast sandwiches are also heavenly (though undoubtedly made of chemicals, poop, pesticide, etc.).  The reason they're in this category is that they can never really crack a "B" grade.  It's always better to stumble upon a unique little coffee shop with a lot of character, better coffee, better food, that also has free wi-fi, and I mainly frequent Starbucks because of inertia and because I don't want to deal with searching for a better place in the area.

Company:  The Japanese place next to my office
Personality:  Japanese
Intelligence:  Unclear
Dickishness:  Moderate-Low
Creepiness:  High
My general mood when interacting with them:  Hungry as shit
Grade:  C

Comments:  This place represents the "default lunch place" in everyone's life.  You know which one I'm talking about.  It's not that good, you're never that excited about it, you always regret it a little after—but you keep going there because it's really close and easy and you don't have to think too hard.  Well, at my current office, this is the place.  I can get one of several $7 soups or platters, it fills me up, it's pretty good, and it creeps the hell out of me.  Why?  It just does—it's just one of those restaurants where you feel like if you saw what goes on behind the scenes, you would never eat there again.  Plus, the other day the garnish lettuce at the bottom of the takeout carton was infested with a tiny bug and her even tinier children.  It's a full week later and I'm still recovering from this.

Company:  All big airlines
Personality:  Big and dumb
Intelligence:  Too big and dumb to care about being intelligent
Dickishness:  Moderate-high
Creepiness:  Low
My general mood when interacting with them:  Listless
Grade:  C-

Comments:  This applies to all big airlines, but I put American up there because they have made me want to smash my face into the check-in counter more than anyone else.  Other than weird niche airlines like JetBlue and Southwest and Virgin America, all airlines are the same.  Neither the airplanes themselves nor the quality of service or customer experience has changed at all in the last 20 years.  It's like all of them got together and were like, "So, if we all agree to mail it in, then none of us has to stress out about losing customers or making improvements because we'll all suck equally.  Deal?"

Company:  Facebook
Personality:  Increasingly Big-Brotherish
Intelligence:  Moderate
Dickishness:  Moderate-low
Creepiness:  Moderate
My general mood when interacting with them:  Self-loathing because I'm wasting my life
Grade:  B-

Comments:  Facebook is a complicated one.  On one hand, they get credit because they entered a field of better-known social networking sites and blew them all away by being cleverer and being better.  And then they became an internet super-giant.  On the other hand, they only get a "moderate" for intelligence, mainly because of how inept they've been at evolving their messaging.  Everyone has a Facebook account, and everyone uses it to write and receive messages—but no one uses Facebook as their primary email account.  Why?  Because Facebook messaging sucks.

This is a huge blown opportunity.  Why didn't Facebook jump on the opportunity years ago and make their messaging better?  Why can't I forward a Facebook message?  Why can't I hit "r" to reply to a message and "a" to reply to the whole list like I can in Gmail?  Why can't someone email my Facebook account from their normal email by writing to an @facebook.com email address?  Why is Facebook instant messaging so inferior to Gmail's?  Why don't they have video chat yet like Gmail and Skype and AIM?  Because of their vast user base, they could have crushed Gmail/Yahoo/Hotmail at their own game by developing smart and innovative email tools, but instead they're not even a player in that world.  That, at least, was a large fail.

Category 2 Honorable Mentions:  The major television networks, ESPN, CNN, Staples, Microsoft, TimeWarner Cable, Twitter, Mint, Webex


Category 3:   Companies that I hate, but that I'm forced to interact with because they're the best/only option for a product or service that I need

Company:  RadioShack
Personality:  Dumb; disorganized; hapless
Intelligence:  Low
Dickishness:  Moderate
Creepiness:  Moderate-low
My general mood when interacting with them:  Annoyed that they don't have what I need
Grade:  D

Comments:  RadioShack is one of those places that no one is ever happy to go.  It's always more like, "I have to swing by a RadioShack today for a USB chord."  And if that's all you need, then you'll probably be fine.  But if you have any questions to ask or need any expertise, good luck.  I've rarely seen a company whose stores are so badly run, disorganized, and understaffed.  I've waited for 20 minutes before just to get the attention of someone, and then they know less than I do about the product I need.  Also, a sign of a well-run company is when every one of their stores looks the same and your experience is consistent.  With RadioShack, each store has a different layout and different inventory—just a total hit-or-miss, and it's usually a miss.

Company:  Kinko's
Personality:  High
Intelligence:  Low
Dickishness:  High
Creepiness:  Incredibly high
My general mood when interacting with them:  Creeped out
Grade:  F+

Comments:  The story of Kinko's goes like this:  In the 70's, some likable hippy guy started this small, likable hippy chain (his nickname was Kinko because of his curly hair).  It got really big, and then, ten years ago, the guy sold the store and it eventually ended up bought by FedEx.  In the following years, the store lost all of its friendliness and all of its charm.  Today, going to Kinko's is a really bad experience.  The staff tends to be high, weird, slow, and unhelpful, and everything's overpriced.  I have no explanation for why the staff creeps me out so much, but they do.

Also, according to Wikipedia, the original founder refuses to go into a Kinko's now because of what it's become.

Company:  USPS
Personality:  Dickish
Intelligence:  Government companies have no incentive to be intelligent
Dickishness:  High
Creepiness:  Low
My general mood when interacting with them:  Cranky
Grade:  D

Comments:  I'm not really criticizing this company.  If I were run by the government I would suck too.  And since they don't have to compete with anyone, like most government-run companies, the staff there are astronomically dickish.  Even the customers suck.  Walking into the post office at 3pm on a Wednesday is like walking into a cranky adult museum.  And if you ever have a question for a staff member about pricing or about the box you need, they'll be really mean to you.

Company:  Petco
Personality:  Weird
Intelligence:  Moderate
Dickishness:  Moderate
Creepiness:  High
My general mood when interacting with them:  Allergic
Grade:  C+

Comments:  Petco finds its way onto my list of errands now whenever I need to replenish my supply of fruit pellets, heat lamp bulbs, or the wood-chip carpet for Winston.  And though the animals at Petco are unbearably cute, pet stores in general creep me out.  It goes without saying that the staff are weird animal people, and the smell gives me the willies.  And Petco never has exactly what I need.  Last time I went, I asked to see their large half-log shelters since Winston's fat ass outgrew his current one, and they couldn't find any in stock.  So now he's living in a tattered cardboard house that I made for the side of his terrarium, which is the turtle equivalent of some shitty mud hut.

Company:  The Ocean
Personality:  Stubborn
Intelligence:  Low
Dickishness:  High
Creepiness:  High
My general mood when interacting with them:  Fearful; cold
Grade:  D+

Comments:  The ocean obviously deserves credit for being ridiculously big.  Clearly.  But beyond that, why should I praise the ocean?  It refuses to evolve with the times, doesn't give a crap about its customers, is full of scary shit, and is hugely dickish, ranging from smashing surfers down and getting water up their nose, to capsizing ships and killing people.  And all sorts of weird, creepy shit goes on in its depths, stuff that human cameras can't even capture.  And it's cold.

This isn't to trash the beach.  I love the beach.  But the ocean is in this category because I only go in it because it's the best option available.  Put a huge delicious swimming pool on the beach next to the shore and I'll be done with the ocean.

This is one of those things that d-bags are gonna get all mad at me about, and be like, "I love the ocean.  How could you like a pool more than the ocean??"  An opinion only a d-bag would have.

Company:  Kaplan
Personality:  Greedy; irresponsible
Intelligence:  High
Dickishness:  High
Creepiness:  Low
My general mood when interacting with them:  Hateful
Grade:  F+

Comments:  Kaplan sucks a lot.  They get a high intelligence grade because they figured out how to go from an SAT tutoring company to a $2 billion, world-dominating private education company.  Very impressive.  Fine.

But they are one of the laziest companies around.  I'll spare you the full rant because I've gotten into it on this blog before (number nine), but any company that publishes SAT books that students rely on and is too cheap to pay for decent editing can't crack the D- ceiling.

Company:  All IT Companies and Web Programmers
Personality:  Liars
Intelligence:  Moderate-high
Dickishness:  High
Creepiness:  High
My general mood when interacting with them:  Irate
Logo:  I found it online and it seemed fitting for this
Grade:  F

Comments:  I've had a wealth of horrid experiences with web programming companies.  They never do things on time, they lie about how long everything took in order to over-bill, and they mislead you on the price at the beginning in order to get you in the door.  They're slime.  Period.  I also gave them a high creepiness rating, because I picture web-guys working in some basement in their underwear with porn aplenty.

Company:  All Bars
Personality:  D-baggish; thuggish
Intelligence:  Moderate
Dickishness:  Through-the-roof
Creepiness:  Moderate
My general mood when interacting with them:  Happy (drunk)
Grade:  C-

Comments:  The reason they get a C- and not an F is that their lying, bullying, and complete d-baggery actually works.  The tougher it is to get in, the longer the line outside, the meaner the bouncer, the bitchier the bartender—the better they seem to do.  So it's hard to criticize their methods that much.

But that doesn't stop me from hating them.  Just looking at this picture makes me angry.

I also gave them a moderate creepy rating because I feel like a lot of bars (and especially clubs) have dirty, sneaky, corrupt things going on in their funding and in their relationships with promoters and cops.

I want them all to fail.

Company:  The Sun
Personality:  All up in everyone's grill
Intelligence:  Low
Dickishness:  High
Creepiness:  Low
My general mood when interacting with them:  Trying to give it the cold shoulder but it doesn't care
Grade:  D

Comments:  The sun is our collective abusive husband.  And we know and the sun knows that we have no choice but to stick with him despite how he mistreats us, because without him we'll die.  The sun has no regard whatsoever for other people's schedules.  I go to bed late—does the sun give a shit?  No.  The sun has woken me up thousands of times in my life before I'm ready.  We've all gotten countless sunburns.  The sun's terrible for our eyes.  I bet you even feel like looking at this picture is bad for your eyes, right?  Look right at the picture—you feel like it hurts your eyes, right?  Well it doesn't.  Cover up the yellow part with your hands and you'll see that it's just white screen like this page's background.  But you're so used to the sun's abuse that you assumed that even a picture of the sun would hurt you.

I gave the sun a low intelligence rating too.  Scientists say that the sun will run out of energy and burn out in about 5 billion years.  With no plan beyond that.  What a brilliant long-term strategy. 

Company:  McDonalds
Personality:  Disgusting; Heavenly
Intelligence:  High
Dickishness:  High
Creepiness:  High
My general mood when interacting with them:  Starving; vulnerable
Grade:  B+/F

Comments:  McDonalds is incredibly evil and I hate it.  It's the most disgusting thing you can put in your body.  And it's orgasmically delicious.  I would prefer to never enter a McDonalds again, but there are times I simply have no choice.  For example, I'm currently on the Bolt Bus from Boston to New York.  And we're currently stopped at a McDonalds because all Bolt Busses stop at McDonalds.  And I'm currently eating McDonalds fries.  Not my choice at all, and I'm unhappy it's happening. 

Company:  The IRS
Personality:  Faceless and mean
Intelligence:  High enough to make me scared of them
Dickishness:  High
Creepiness:  Moderate
My general mood when interacting with them:  Resigned and powerless
Grade: B

Comments:  They get a decent grade because they're actually pretty good at what they do.  Beyond that, there's nothing whatsoever to say about them.  I have no idea why I included them in this list.

Company:  Chinatown
Personality:  Chinese
Intelligence:  Unclear
Dickishness:  Unclear; high
Creepiness:  Through the roof
My general mood when interacting with them:  Starving; invisible
Grade:  Unclear

Comments:  I never had to interact with Chinatown much before moving to New York.  But now I walk to work everyday, and my walk takes me right through Chinatown.  And Chinatown is weird.  On one hand, there is an overriding upsetting smell, and the storefronts creep me out, and everyone is incredibly unfriendly.  But on the other hand, I also feel like I'm wearing an invisibility cloak every time I pass through Chinatown.  No one ever looks at me or makes eye contact with me, and if I stop at a storefront to try and buy something, no one addresses me or hears me when I say things so I can't buy what I want.

Company:  Hot Russian girls in bars
Personality:  Ice cold; mean
Intelligence:  Unclear
Dickishness:  As high as this category can go
Creepiness:  Moderate
My general mood when interacting with them:  Longing; hateful
Grade:  F

Comments:  I have a history with hot Russian girls in bars and I haven't come out on the winning side of that history.  It all started when I was with friends in Hurghada, Egypt, and there were hot Russian girls everywhere, and they all despised me, and when I finally tried to talk to one, it went like this:

Me:  Hi.
Her:  BYE.

Since then, I've made several further similar attempts, and they've all turned out similarly.

Company:  MySpace
Personality:  A chaotic crack den
Intelligence:  As low as this category can go
Dickishness: Too busy with ads and spam to be dickish
Creepiness:  As high as this category can go
My general mood when interacting with them:  Creeped out; confused; disgusted
Grade:  F-

Comments:  Ah, MySpace.  The worst of the worst.  Every criticism I made of Facebook pales in comparison to MySpace's follies.  MySpace was the powerhouse of the social networking world—and with intelligent management, it could have been what Facebook currently is.  It could have dominated social networking.  It could have dominated the online dating world.  @myspace.com could have been the most common email address.

That's what could have happened if MySpace had been run by really smart people.  It had the users.  Instead, MySpace devolved into a flashing ad-filled, spam-ridden, non-usable creepfest and has now become completely irrelevant.  Nice work.

Category 3 Honorable Mentions:  MTA, all real estate brokers, LAPD, Verizon, AT&T, the DMV, Kazakhstan