The Ohio Debate

Tomorrow is a pivotal day in politics. As voters in Ohio and Texas head to the polls, the decisions they make can affect the whole world. And so, I thought I'd do my little part to keep voters educated and publish the transcript of Tuesday’s presidential debate in Ohio. Here's how it went:

Brian Williams: I’d like to thank the candidates for being here tonight. I am a very handsome man. Next to me is Tim Russert, a decidedly unhandsome man. So let’s start things. Senator Clinton, you were all complimentary of Senator Obama at the end of the Texas debate, and then you were mad bitchy this week, with your whole “Shame on you!” scolding thing. Please explain this.

Clinton: Well he called my healthcare plan yucky. Which is ridiculous, since his healthcare plan is the one that is yucky.

Williams: And you also posted a picture of Senator Obama being Muslim.

Clinton: I never posted that. I don't even know any Muslims. Except Senator Obama. He's the only Muslim I know.

Obama: Senator Clinton's healthcare plan is basically the same as mine. Except mine is less yucky.

Clinton: He wants to make a law that poor people can't have healthcare.

Obama: That's false. You want to make a law that poor people who can't afford healthcare get paddled.

Williams: Okay, this is mad boring. Let's move on to an interesting topic.

Clinton: I'm sorry, Brian, but this is too important. Shame on you, Brian Williams! Senator Obama wants poor people to get diseases. I want to give foot massages to the elderly.

Obama: Many experts have said that your foot massages are subpar.

Williams: Okay, enough. Let's move on to a topic that far fewer Americans care about-- NAFTA. Senator Clinton?

Williams: Um...what?

Clinton: You give me the first question every effing time. Like 60% of the time. You all want him to win. Everyone. Everyone wants him to win! Everyone likes him. Well you know what? I don't like him at all. I hate him. I hate his face.

But I don't care. I'll happily field the questions anyway. I've always hated NAFTA. NAFTA is dickish. I talked to a young, middle-class boy today, who was crying because of NAFTA. As President of the United States, I would pledge to fix NAFTA.

Obama: False. When she was running for governor of New York, she said she enjoyed NAFTA. I would like to create a NAFTA that is not only good for Wall Street, but also good for Main Street. Rad line, huh? I passed a homeless woman on the street in Cleveland yesterday, and I bent over to tie her shoe. I asked her how her shoe had gotten untied in the first place. She told me that NAFTA had done it.

Tim Russert: Senator Clinton, Senator Obama is correct. I have the quote right here. When campaigning in New York, you said, "I enjoy NAFTA." In 1992, you said, "NAFTA is the tits," and in 2000, you said, "NAFTA is my Daddy." Now you're in Ohio, and you say that you hate NAFTA.

Clinton: You're living in the past, dick. I will fix NAFTA, whose Daddy I am. NAFTA is my son.

Russert: Senator Obama, she's kind of mean, huh?

Obama: Yeah she's scary.

Russert: You want to come over later? I just got Playstation 3.

Obama: I don't know, we'll see. Be mean to her again and I'll come play.

Russert: Senator Clinton, you promised the people of Wisconsin five million new jobs. But you also promised New York 200,000 new jobs eight years ago, and there's been a net loss of 30,000 jobs. Isn't losing 30,000 jobs different than gaining 200,000 jobs?

Clinton: I said that when I thought Gore was going to be president. It's Bush's fault. Bush made a law that said New York had to lose 30,000 jobs.

Williams: Okay, my turn. You're mine, Obama. I'm going to destroy you with this next one. Senator Clinton recently said that America was suffering from having a president who was inexperienced with foreign policy. This was obviously an indirect attack on you. Explain to us, Senator Obama, just how you plan to be president with so little experience, given all of the experience you've had outside Washington and that in the most important instance in memory, you voted against the Iraq War.

Obama: I've had a lot of experience outside Washington and in the most important instance in memory, I voted against the Iraq War.

Williams: Whoa, he is good, isn't he, Tim?

Russert: Back off, Williams. He's coming to my house after this-- we already made plans.

Williams: But I baked his favorite-- scones!

Russert: Sorry, B.

Clinton: Oh, this is ridiculous. Obama made one speech against Iraq in 2004. Big deal. Plus, he wants to murder all Pakistanis.

Obama: First of all, I don't want to murder all Pakistanis. Just some of them. Secondly, it wasn't just a speech. I voted against the Iraq War. You voted for the Iraq War. I'm going to bring this up thousands of times.

Clinton: I regret this vote deeply. It was for political reasons.

Obama: Duh. But isn't voting on things for political reasons supposed to help you in political campaigns?

Clinton: That's what they told me. John Kerry always does it.

Obama: Well, yeah. Exactly.

Clinton: Oh yeah. Crap.

Obama: Yeah.

Russert: Okay, next question. If the Iraqi government told the Americans to get out, would you listen?

Obama: Yes, they're a sovereign nation.

Clinton: Yeah, exactly.

Russert: Crap. Okay, how about if you brought the troops out of Iraq, and then the shit hit the fan. Would you go back in?

Clinton: What's with these bullshit hypotheticals? I hate you Russert. I hate your children and your children's children. I hate your children's children's children, Russert. I hate—

Williams: Okay, we've got to take a commercial break.

Clinton: But I wasn't done yet. Russert, I eat your children's children's ch—

Williams: I'm sorry, Senator Clinton, but we have to take a commercial break. I have no choice.

Clinton: No. There will be no break. As Lord and Master of the United States of America, I command you not to take a break.

[commercial break]

Williams: We're back. We'll now move to some video clips. Here is one of Senator Obama bashing Senator Clinton.

[clip of Clinton bashing Obama: The sky will open! The light will shine down! Barack Saddam Hussein Obama will descend to the Earth! With his Koran!]

Williams: Well that was the wrong clip. How embarrassing. Everyone who works here is getting fired tonight. Everyone. While we're here, would you like to respond to the clip, Senator Obama?

Obama: Well look, some people like hope, and children, and the middle class. People like me. Others hate those things.

Williams: Senator Clinton, would you like to respond to that? Do you hate those things?

Clinton: Of course not. Only hope and children. I love the middle class. The middle class is a hot piece of ass. Healthcare. Healthcare healthcare. Healthcare healthcare healthcare. Healthcare healthcare healthcare hea—

Williams: Okay Senator Clinton, that is enough. Now, let's play the clip we originally intended to play, one of Senator Obama bashing Senator Clinton.

[clip of Obama bashing Clinton: So she's all like, "I did this and then I did that," but it was her husband. I mean, her husband was the president. I'm a good speaker, right? And you heard my wife say that she hated America by accident, right? Because my good speaking doesn't mean that my wife is a good speaker. You understand what I'm saying? And just look at Hillary Clinton. She's all mullety and plastic cheeky.]

Williams: Senator Clinton, please respond to this.

Clinton: Well, I hardly think I'm all mullety and plastic cheeky.

Williams: No, Senator Clinton, it's true. You're mad mullety and plastic cheeky.

Russert: Alright, Obama, it's time. I'm gonna get my Russert on. On you. You said you would opt for public financing in the general election, and now that you have all this private support, you're all like, "Public financing is for pussies." Aren't you contradicting yourself?

Obama: Aren't you contradicting yourself???

Russert: What?

Obama: What?

Russert: Senator Clinton, you loaned your campaign $5 million dollars, but you refuse to tell anyone where that money came from. I suspect it's from something creepy. In fact, you and Bill kind of creep me out in general.

Clinton: Yes. We get that a lot.

Russert: Um, okay. Senator Obama, I heard that you and Louis Farrakhan are BFF. Is that true?

Obama: Absolutely not.

Russert: In fact, I heard that you guys were BFFAEAE.

Obama: That's preposterous.

Russert: Blood broothers?

Obama: No.

Russert: Soul sisters?

Obama: No. Louis Farrakhan and I are not soul sisters.

Russert: But you both hate Jews.

Obama: False. Only he hates Jews. I love Jews. Jews are my Daddy.

Russert: But you and Jeremiah Wright are BFF?

Obama: Yes.

Russert: And Jeremiah Wright and Louis Farrakhan are BFF.

Williams: Oh snap.

Obama: Crap.

Russert: Yeah.

Obama: L'chaim.

Clinton: I and the Jew are BFF.

Williams: AEAE???

Clinton: Yes.

[audience gasp]

Clinton: And I don't deny the holocaust.

Williams: With all due respect, Senator Clinton, no one here is denying the holocaust.

Clinton: Do you deny that, Barack? You can't possibly deny that.

Obama: What? Do I deny what?

Clinton: Well I've heard enough. Ha-Motzi.

Obama: Matzah.

Williams: Senator Obama, The National Public Journal exposed you for having a more liberal voting record than that of Ted Kennedy. Are you mad liberal?

Obama: No. And these categories are silly.

Tim: I completely agree.

Russert: Okay, I got one. Putin is stepping down in Russia. What is the name of his successor?

Clinton: His successor is Russian.

Russert: Wrong! It's Medvedev! What is the capital of Kyrgyzstan? What's 89 times 89? What is a patella?

Williams: Kneecap. Okay, my turn. If you could take back one vote, which would you take back.

Clinton: Iraq War. Duh. Healthcare. Healthcare healthcare. Heal—

Williams: Senator Obama? Which vote would you take back?

Obama: Terry Schiavo's feeding tube.

Williams: Terry Schiavo's feeding tube?

Obama: Terry Schiavo's feeding tube.

Williams: Alright, closing comments. Senator Obama?

Obama: Can you paint with all the colors of the wind?

Williams: Great. And Senator Clinton?

Clinton: Healthcare.

Williams: And that'll wrap it up. I'd like to thank MSNBC for hosting the event, and Tim Russert for making me seem even better-looking. Good night.


Anonymous said...

I assumed reading something about a presidential debate wouldn't cause me any problems at work, and then I burst out laughing at my desk. Thanks a lot.

Anonymous said...

I enjoyed that thoroughly. Much more entertaining than the actual debate.

Anonymous said...

Reading that was by far the highlight of my day.

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

This was the greatest debate ever! You should talk to Oprah about producing it.

Susan said...

It's Susan from the Boston Globe. Please contact me. I have a quick question.

Anonymous said...

Spot on ... haha.

Although another moment I thought was pretty funny was Clinton interjecting her "I've got another anecdote story that I'll just add on to Obama's answer" for no apparent reason - ok other than the obvious political reason.

Tim - this is John from ESPN contact me immediately.

Anonymous said...

Tims' observations reclaim
status as most entertaining
'reality' , because of the

The same reason TA was the
best,substance.TA must now
return,helmed by Ivanka on
behalf of DT who will still
hire with reduced on screen
role.Summer broadcast with
product integration fee the
same,making up for reduced
trad. adv. revenue.With CA
being so different TA won't
affect it.TA 7 , CA 2 etc.

TA returns.

Tim must now contact DT and
say it was your idea.

Mel Gibson ...

Anonymous said...

hey tim... your post was a thousand times more interesting than the debate itself. That was hilarious! You made my day! =)

Don Shetterly - Relaxing Piano Music said...

I laughed so hard reading this! Publish this in the main newspapers!