The Trip to New York

So now I’m on a Greyhound.

I’m heading to New York. Next to me is a 280-pound man, who is trying, in his sleep, to knock me off my seat into the aisle. I suddenly miss the guy who wears sunglasses on the airplane.

Overall, it hasn’t been smooth so far. At the station, while waiting for the bus, I got distracted at the vending machine, and when I turned and looked outside I noticed, in horror, a Greyhound pulling away.

CRAP.

I bolted outside and tore down the street after the bus.

There is almost no instance in my life in which I’ll run at full speed. None of the sports I play at this point really require a full sprint, and I haven’t been chased by the cops since high school. So this was a rare occasion to launch into a full sprint.

I stayed with the bus all the way down the block, but eventually he picked up more speed, and I was left standing there, huffing, puffing, and dejected. Of course, I walked back to the station to find out that my bus hadn’t arrived yet. Fool.

When my bus did get there, I got on and saw that it was nearly full. I immediately got my strategic hat on, and began scanning furiously for an empty seat next to a small person. I thought I saw one in the back and walked there to find an idiot 4-year-old in the seat. Of course, now I was screwed. The other boarders behind me had snagged any remaining decent seat, I was left looking into the eyes of a bearded, 280-pound man wearing a “Paul Stone Auto Parts” baseball cap.

As I glanced at my fate, two problems made themselves apparent: His torso was taking up 30% of my seatback, and he was basically doing a full split his legs were so far apart. The torso problem had a solution. I politely suggested we put the armrest down. “To rest my arm,” I explained. This did not please Paul, but he consented.

Now, he’s sleeping soundly, dreaming of god knows what, and his right leg is 4 feet into my seat. About 10 minutes ago I gathered the courage to push his leg, with my leg, back to his seat, at which point he woke up, which in turn made me frightened. He apologized and moved his leg, and 6 seconds later he was out cold once more, his right leg all up in my grill.

So now our legs are pressed firmly together. I tried to pretend it was the feeling of a girlfriend’s leg, or someone whose leg contact wouldn’t be of issue. But deep down, I know. That’s Paul’s leg down there.

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--45 minutes later--

I thought this blog entry was over. I thought we were done for the day.

But then the bus broke down. And I’ll be damned if you’re not gonna hear about it.

Now I’m sitting on the grass on the side of the highway with Paul, the driver, and about 60 other people, somewhere between Hartford and New Haven.

First the driver told us it would be a 5 minute wait, so we stopped on the side of the road and we all sat in the 100 degree bus for 10 minutes. Then he told us it would be a 15 minute wait, so everyone got out of the bus. Now, 30 minutes later, we’re all hanging out here. As a group, we’ve been both flashed and mooned by drivers-by. Finally, I said screw it and went into the bus and got my laptop.

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--1 hour later--

Now I’m on the train. This is what I should have done in the first place.

After a hideous past hour of starting and stopping, the bus finally made it to New Haven, where we were told we’d be able to catch the next bus to New York, which would arrive at the station in a little over an hour.

No way. I got on the train, and now Paul has been replaced by a fairly mean girl watching a movie on her iPod. I think it’s pretty cool that she can watch movie on her iPod.

So that’s where I’ll leave you. If this was bad for you, imagine how it was for me.