12 Things I Wish Would Stop Happening

I'm on an airplane.

And the woman in the seat next to me just pulled out a full chicken and is eating it with her hands.

When I first boarded, she told me I looked familiar and asked if I was from New Mexico. She swore she knew me from somewhere. This happens less than it used to. But on airplanes it never fails.

I was pretty tired and not really feeling like explaining that we didn't see much more of Trump than she did watching so I don't really know what he's "really like," so I played dumb.

Then she started watching trashy TV on her seat back and I was trying to watch other things but every time I glanced over someone was punching someone or screaming at someone on Maury Povich, and now I'm watching it on my TV too. She left me with no choice.

Then later she pulled a whole chicken out of a paper bag and started eating it with her hands. We're in close quarters. This is unacceptable. I don't really care that she is kind of staring a little bit, trying really hard to figure out where she knows me from. I don't even care that she is dominating the armrest, and I can cope with the fact that I'll be spending the next 6 hours watching Maury Povich because of her.

But the chicken is upsetting me. Her fingers are slick with chicken grease. The smell is permeating the entire plane. I wish that this would stop happening. I wish that she would stop eating a whole chicken with her fingers in the seat next to mine.

And so, this seems like an appropriate time to touch upon 12 things I wish would stop happening, in general.

1) I wish people would stop going for the handshake as I simultaneously go for the hug.

2) I wish people would stop going for the hug as I simultaneously go for the handshake. Both of these happen constantly.

3) I wish my landlord would stop asking me to get my car's oil leak fixed. It's an extremely minor leak. There's barely any oil on the ground in my parking spot. But she tells me that someone could slip on it and file a lawsuit. No one is going to slip on it. My parking spot is in the corner and no one would ever have any reason to walk across my parking spot. And even if they did there's basically no oil on the ground. But she asks me to get it fixed a lot. I wish this would stop.

4) When I tell someone a phone number over the phone, I wish they'd stop making me repeat numbers I've already said because they said "uh huh" instead of listening to the numbers. The exchange goes like this:

Them: What's the number?
Me: It's 310...
(Simultaneously) Them: Uh-huh / Me: 860
Them: What?
Me: 860...
(Simultaneously) Them: uh-huh / Me: 5693
Them: 56 what?
Me: 5693.
Them: Okay, got it.
Me: I hope so you dick.

5) Every time I turn on my computer, Firefox opens automatically. Sometimes I don't want Firefox to start but it does anyway. I wish this would stop happening.

6) I wish that Tom Brady would stop getting his knee blown out and having to get surgery and miss the entire season. I know it only happened once, but I really wish it would stop happening. After an emotional roller-coaster today and yesterday, I've finally settled down and have sought out the silver lining. Here's what I came up with:

Pats fans are spoiled. To the point that it's not really fun rooting for the Pats. Even before last year's ridiculous season, every Sunday basically had the same possibilities: either they win and things are normal or they lose and it's devastating. There really wasn't much joy involved. From 2003 - 2007, they were the best team and anything short of a Superbowl victory would be extremely disappointing.

Now, for one year, I'm a normal fan again. Still disappointed after a loss, but suddenly, also really happy after a win. Likewise, winning the division this year would actually be a really exciting thing and I can root against the Bills, Jets, and Dolphins again (I've basically ignored them for the past 5 years). Sure, there's still a ton of talent on the team, but after replacing one of the Top 3 quarterbacks in the history of football with Matt Cassel, an unproven career backup, the Pats are back in the crowd, just trying to make the playoffs. And if they suck, it'll be comforting to know that next year, they'll most likely be a Superbowl favorite again.

Plus, Brady has been plagued by ongoing shoulder issues and the year off should give him time to really, fully heal.

Right?

[crying]

7) I wish I didn't consistently throw out a third of the groceries I buy. This happens because I have a really quick hook on food that might have gone bad. This is most likely a result being fed old food by my mother a lot in my youth. I'd point out that the orange juice had expired a week earlier and she'd say something like, "It's fine," or, "It says, 'Best if consumed before the expiration date.'"

There was one time I walked into the kitchen and noticed an open pack of cookies. They were chocolate cookies with white powdery sugar on top. Naturally, I picked one up and bit into it. My mom saw this and yelled, "Nooooo!" Not a great thing to hear as a reaction to something you've bitten. Cookie still in my mouth, she explained that she was about to throw those out because of all the mold.

The white powdery sugar was actually mold.

So I spit it out and though this incident wasn't particularly her fault, I clump it into all the orange juice type occurrences in explaining my fear of aging food now.

Also, one time I opened a can of peanuts that had been sitting on the counter for months and 8 billion horrifying bugs came running out.

8) I wish my limbs would stop going to sleep. You know those nights when you wake up and your limb is out cold? And you lift up your inanimate arm with your good arm and you're like, "So this is how heavy my arm is." Or sometimes you're like, "This is what someone else feels when they grab my arm." Or maybe you're like, "If my arm was amputated and I was holding it with my other arm, it would be like this."

In any case, this is the fun part. Then the blood starts flowing again and it hurts. Not pain, exactly, but it's a bad feeling. Like, you'd never say "Ow" while it's happening. But you definitely wish it would stop happening.

So I guess I'm torn on this one-- I kind of want my limbs to stop falling asleep but I also kind of want my limbs to keep falling asleep.

9) I wish that when I enter my car at night my face didn't collide with a spider web. But every time I enter my car at night my face collides with a spider web. I park next to a fence and one night I had left my window a crack open. When I returned to the car I noticed a single web strand coming from the fence, piercing the window crack, and going into the car. When I opened the door I saw a more extensive web in my car. You're not supposed to see spider webs in your car. But there it was.

So I grabbed it, to the extent that it is possible to grab a spider web, and I threw it outside, to the extent that it is possible to throw a spider web. I thought I had solved the problem. But though I allowed no such window cracks the next day, when I entered my car at night my face collided with a spider web.

There is a spider living in my car.

10) I wish my iPhone would stop crashing, forcing me to restore it on my computer, which takes a lot of hours. It's awkward because I am and have been the iPhone's biggest advocate. But this makes me angry. It's like dating a girl and going through a wonderful honeymoon phase, never seeing any flaws, and then suddenly she starts doing something that's really annoying, and you're not sure what to do. That said, I still love her and want to spend the rest of my life with her.

11) I wish people my age would stop getting engaged. It's kind of freaking me out.

12) I wish I'd stop turning my car radio to Rush Limbaugh. Last month, I was flipping around the AM channels for the hell of it, and came across Rush Limbaugh. He was ranting about how Obama is really educated and therefore out of touch and disastrous as a leader. It was pretty infuriating to listen to. And yet, I stayed tuned.

The next day I couldn't help myself and I tuned in once again. Again, he made me angry. Now, it's a month later. I hate Rush Limbaugh. The more I listen to him the more I want him to suffer a life of deep, dark unhappiness. I wish I'd stop listening to him.