Corporal Punishment

Last night I made a tragic decision to make and eat a cheese and salsa dip at 2am. It was extremely delicious, and at the time it seemed like a phenomenal idea. But I regretted the decision deeply when I was awake at 4am feeling like I had been impregnated by a manatee and the manatee's 200 pound baby was growing in my womb. Cutting to the chase, the Top Ten moments when my body has been the most angry with me:

10) The week after the time I went to the gym and did a full leg workout with a guy who regularly did full leg workouts. I couldn't walk for two months.

9) The day after the time I drank 20 beers during a 4 hour game of quarters.*

8) Last night at 4am.

7) The 5-year stage of my life in the early teens when I would get a supersize extra-value meal plus a 9-piece nuggets every time I went to McDonalds.

6) The time I spent the weekend in a dusty old mansion in the middle of nowhere and forgot to bring my asthma medication. I spent a week in the hospital afterwards, wishing I was in the hospital for a cooler problem.

5) The night freshman year of college when a girl and I went shot for shot up to 15 and I couldn't really see, hear, or feel the next day. If this experience is on my list, I imagine it's not an especially treasured memory of hers.

4) The time I got a professional massage from an abusive person who hurt me badly for an hour straight. For the most part I took it like a man, but I think I cried a few times in the middle. The government should use that masseuse to get info out of suspected terrorists.

3) The time I confidently insisted that I have dark enough skin that I never get sunburned and didn't wear lotion the first day in the Bahamas. I lost at least 4 years of my life that day.

2) The time I ate at Sbarro and threw up 64 times that night.

1) The time I wrote my whole 80-page college thesis in the last 3 days before it was due, and went over 60 hours without sleeping or eating. This ended with me collapsing while in line in CVS buying water on the way to print the paper. It wasn't a case of fainting-- my legs actually went numb and I went tumbling to the ground. Needless to say the other customers in line were surprised. Lying there, I explained, "I'm fine, just step over me" and eventually when I got up I needed help getting the money out of my wallet because my hands were numb and kept curling up on me against my will.

*One bright spot was that I beat BC basketball star Ryan Sidney in a game of quarters to 11 that night. Trash was being talked on both sides, and at one point I advised him to brush up on his French because he'd be playing ball in Europe soon enough.


Anonymous said...

2 people just came into my office asking me if I was ok because I was laughing to the point of not being able to breathe--this of course is in response to #1--I tell your thesis story to all in my path.

Anonymous said...

it's "corporeal" not "corporal."

Tim said...


Anonymous said...

Wait, but in your TED talk, you said that the paper was 90 pages.
I don't even know what I believe in anymore...