Dogs Part II

I love dogs. But as a dog lover, I feel no obligation to love all dogs. Because truth be told, a lot of dogs suck. You know which ones I'm talking about. There's a pretty consistent set of criteria for dogs that suck-- they're not that cute, they bark, and bark, and bark their ugly heads off, they jump on guests, and they smell like shit. We all know these dogs. We all know people that have these dogs. Dog lovers must accept that some dogs suck.

That said, no dog sucks like the big poodle.

A little poodle I can handle. I even like them a lot of the time. But the big poodle-- the big poodle is a different story. The big poodle sucks.

I tutor weekly at a house, among whose members is a big poodle. And every week, the same thing happens. I walk in the house, and immediately the big fucking poodle gallops over to me and launches upright and puts his paws on my shoulder and humps me violently. Of course, the family acts surprised every time and pulls him off and apologizes.

Let's look at this logically. There is what I can only call a beast living with them in their house. Upon my weekly arrival, this beast runs over to me, and, suddenly standing 6 feet tall on his hind legs, physically assaults me by trying to have upright missionary sex with me in the middle of the living room in front of everyone. And this happens every week.

Do people whose dogs suck know that their dogs suck? I'm pretty sure they don't. People whose spouses suck don't know their spouses suck. People whose kids suck definitely don't know their kids suck. So why would people know that their dog sucks. It would be much easier for me, and everyone else, if people whose dogs sucked knew that their dogs sucked. Then, I could come into their house, and they could say, "Hey Tim" and I'd say, "Hey. What's the deal with the dog?" and they could say, "He sucks." And I'd say, "Oh."

One time, I went to my friend's cousin's house, and this guy had an impressive display-- his spouse sucked, his kids sucked, his dog sucked, and the guy's face sucked. I distinctly remember thinking, "that guy's face really sucks."

On a related note, I saw Chloe from 24 the other day on the street walking a tiny poodle who was wearing a sweater. Jack would be disappointed.


Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

Is eve "anonymous"?

Anonymous said...

The problem with that dog is that he's not neutered, NOT that he's a standard poodle.

Standard poodles are the smartest dogs. They hide cake in their mouths when you catch them eating the cake. They learn to unlock the pantry door (as would I, if I were locked out of the pantry.) They do not shed. They catch ducks. They get stolen to crackhouses as puppies and come out not only ok, but not even personality-deficient. Beethoven wrote a song for them. John Steinbeck travelled across the country with one. Before the rise of idiotic labrador retrievers, who have greasy hair and are retarded, they were the most popular dog in America. And clearly the decline of the poodle is directly connected to the rise of McMansions and suburbia, and all social ills. Sometimes people even dye them hot pink. And there are poodles in ancient Egyptian art. Poodles make excellent seeing eye dogs. They save their owners from fires.

Anonymous said...

If your friend's cousin reads your blog, don't worry...he'll have no idea you were writing about him.

Anonymous said...

was that last comment actually posted by the friend's cousin?? because that would be ridiculously awkward

Dennis said...

My friend Molly had a sucky dog that had had its bark-box removed. And every time it tried to bark it'd make the whole barking mouth movement, but no sound would come out. And every single time, it would look really confused and try again.

Quite entertaining.