I regularly purchase bottled water. I like having it around. Next to the bed, in the car, at the gym. I also buy a shitload of bottled water for my office, for students to drink. Those dry-mouthed fucking kids.
So every month or so, I go to the grocery store and buy about 8 24-packs of water bottles. And every time-- every single time-- the cashier says, "thirsty?" I've made this purchase about 15 times since living in LA, and 15 out of 15 times, that day's cashier has joked, "thirsty?"
Usually I just say, "yes," but once I said, "it's for the cat," and then stared the cashier down without breaking a smile. Another time I said, matter-of-factly, "for the bathtub." I've also responded with, "as hell." Today, I said, in a very serious tone, "it's not even time yet." You know what, fuck it. I'm having a contest. I will accept emails over the next week with suggestions for my next response, and I will choose my favorite and recite it the next time I buy water. No more than 3 emails per person (you're thinking, "Ha! I'll write more than three by writing from different email addresses!"). Email the water responses to firstname.lastname@example.org. I'll sort through the thousands of emails all week, and I'll announce the winner next Friday.*
*You're trying to give me the benefit of the doubt and assume I'm kidding about the contest. Spend a little less time giving me the benefit of the doubt and a little more time thinking of water responses.**
**Now you have a new problem. After finishing reading this entry, while you sit there hating yourself for continually reading this blog, completely shocked that I had the nerve to hold this absurd contest, something happens-- you think of a somewhat funny water response. Emailing it would just validate the contest that you were scoffing at seconds earlier. But a part of you knows that you have a chance-- however slim-- of emerging as the winner. My advice is this: Go for it. Have the balls to go for it. What if Mandela hadn't gone for it? What the fuck would have happened it Mandela hadn't gone for it?? This is your Mandela moment. And you know it. Follow the dream.