-The NFL in general is wonderful but it hurts my feelings a lot. It would be nice if the emotional abuse were just limited to Patriots-related things. But fantasy football means that no matter what game you're watching, something occurring on that field is probably hurting my feelings. And yes, my team is 0-2 and I have a lot of anger in me right now. Regarding both the Patriots and fantasy football, the bad times are badder than the good times are good.
-People aren't scared enough of dolphins. They're huge swimming carnivores with sharp teeth and a biting wit. That's scary. But because they're smiling all the time, people decided that they're not scary. Or maybe it's because they're just like sharks, but the nice version. So people are in the ocean and they're like, "Is that a shark?!!! Oh, no, it's just a dolphin, another huge carnivore. Yay!" Suit yourself. When I'm swimming and I see a dolphin, I'm getting the hell out of the water.
-Childhood doesn't end at 16 or 18 or 21. It ends when you have your first kid. I'm learning this as I grow older. When I'm hanging around with people in their 20's or 30's who don't have kids, it's still kind of like I'm hanging around with a bunch of kids. Getting married doesn't change this-- married couples without kids are still basically kids. But then people have kids-- and that's when they cross over. Maybe I'm oversimplifying, but in my experience, it's at that moment that people become a little less silly, a little more serious, a little more concerned. It makes sense, of course-- suddenly, you're living for someone else, not just yourself, and the stakes have become higher. Having kids is what finally makes you an adult.
-I go to bed late and I wake up kind of late. And people judge me for this. What the hell is that? If I work from 9-6 I'm normal. But if I start work at 11am or 12 I'm living a lazy life of lavish luxury (all those L's were not intended). And if I work till 9 or 10pm I'm "crazy" and I "work too hard." So not only do people judge me as a degenerate for waking up late, they then judge me as a workaholic for staying at work late. Well you should probably spend less time judging me and more time throwing down your sixth beer at happy hour and making small talk with your shitty coworker who is talking to you only because the other two people there with you are in their own conversation and this coworker ended up stuck listening to your stupid theories on the election and horse-racing and they're one third listening to you and two thirds eavesdropping on the other conversation because it's much more interesting and they keep thinking of things they want to add into the other conversation and finally they say "screw it" and interrupt you to jump into the other conversation and say their opinion and then you feel excluded so you quickly file through your head for something you can add and you finally think of it and say it and they're all like, "shit we have to include this person in the conversation now."
-I was at a friend's house the other night and they had a copy of "Oh The Places You'll Go" by Dr. Seuss. I'm pretty obsessed with Dr. Seuss and started reading it and got all excited for a mad inspiring experience. But then it got really dark and depressing about a third of the way through and kind of just stayed like that till the end. I kept waiting for shit to turn around but it didn't. What the hell?
-I'm not quite sure why everyone loves saunas. They're incredibly hot and kind of unpleasant.
-I go clothes shopping about once a year. When I do, I try to make it as quick as possible, since I hate clothes shopping. As soon as I enter a clothing store, I immediately revert into my 6-year-old self and start whining and complaining and pulling on the sleeve of whichever female is accompanying me, even though she's doing me a favor in the first place by coming along to make all the decisions. I just find the whole thing to be exceptionally boring and yucky.
So last week I was in the Grove on my annual trip with my friend Melissa. The plan was to deal with the whole thing in J. Crew (it's usually either The Gap or J. Crew). Everything went smoothly. Twenty minutes and 7 shirts later, we left, mission accomplished.
But after leaving, something remarkable happened. We passed an Abercrombie. I haven't set foot in an Abercrombie or a Fitch of any kind since high school, and I don't know if what I saw there is what they're all like now or if this was a special Abercrombie-- but it was shocking.
Standing in the doorway was a topless, bronzed, chest-shaven man. He was dancing. To the blasting techno music inside. I ventured in further. The whole store was dark, like a club, and there were colored lights flashing. There was fog and mist everywhere. Most of the employees were dancing. To ask a question, you had to interrupt one of the extremely good-looking dancing employees, and then yell loudly so they could hear your question over the music.
As I walked out, the bronzed, topless man thanked me for coming. His life has gone through ups and downs, lefts and rights, twists and turns-- and this is where it has all led him.
Later that day, I was still awestruck that one store could contain such a high level of d-baggery. I kind of respect it actually-- the executives at Abercrombie were like, "let's just run with the whole d-bag thing." Everyone's gotta have a niche, right?
-People aren't scared enough of dolphins. They're huge swimming carnivores with sharp teeth and a biting wit. That's scary. But because they're smiling all the time, people decided that they're not scary. Or maybe it's because they're just like sharks, but the nice version. So people are in the ocean and they're like, "Is that a shark?!!! Oh, no, it's just a dolphin, another huge carnivore. Yay!" Suit yourself. When I'm swimming and I see a dolphin, I'm getting the hell out of the water.
-Childhood doesn't end at 16 or 18 or 21. It ends when you have your first kid. I'm learning this as I grow older. When I'm hanging around with people in their 20's or 30's who don't have kids, it's still kind of like I'm hanging around with a bunch of kids. Getting married doesn't change this-- married couples without kids are still basically kids. But then people have kids-- and that's when they cross over. Maybe I'm oversimplifying, but in my experience, it's at that moment that people become a little less silly, a little more serious, a little more concerned. It makes sense, of course-- suddenly, you're living for someone else, not just yourself, and the stakes have become higher. Having kids is what finally makes you an adult.
-I go to bed late and I wake up kind of late. And people judge me for this. What the hell is that? If I work from 9-6 I'm normal. But if I start work at 11am or 12 I'm living a lazy life of lavish luxury (all those L's were not intended). And if I work till 9 or 10pm I'm "crazy" and I "work too hard." So not only do people judge me as a degenerate for waking up late, they then judge me as a workaholic for staying at work late. Well you should probably spend less time judging me and more time throwing down your sixth beer at happy hour and making small talk with your shitty coworker who is talking to you only because the other two people there with you are in their own conversation and this coworker ended up stuck listening to your stupid theories on the election and horse-racing and they're one third listening to you and two thirds eavesdropping on the other conversation because it's much more interesting and they keep thinking of things they want to add into the other conversation and finally they say "screw it" and interrupt you to jump into the other conversation and say their opinion and then you feel excluded so you quickly file through your head for something you can add and you finally think of it and say it and they're all like, "shit we have to include this person in the conversation now."
-I was at a friend's house the other night and they had a copy of "Oh The Places You'll Go" by Dr. Seuss. I'm pretty obsessed with Dr. Seuss and started reading it and got all excited for a mad inspiring experience. But then it got really dark and depressing about a third of the way through and kind of just stayed like that till the end. I kept waiting for shit to turn around but it didn't. What the hell?
-I'm not quite sure why everyone loves saunas. They're incredibly hot and kind of unpleasant.
-I go clothes shopping about once a year. When I do, I try to make it as quick as possible, since I hate clothes shopping. As soon as I enter a clothing store, I immediately revert into my 6-year-old self and start whining and complaining and pulling on the sleeve of whichever female is accompanying me, even though she's doing me a favor in the first place by coming along to make all the decisions. I just find the whole thing to be exceptionally boring and yucky.
So last week I was in the Grove on my annual trip with my friend Melissa. The plan was to deal with the whole thing in J. Crew (it's usually either The Gap or J. Crew). Everything went smoothly. Twenty minutes and 7 shirts later, we left, mission accomplished.
But after leaving, something remarkable happened. We passed an Abercrombie. I haven't set foot in an Abercrombie or a Fitch of any kind since high school, and I don't know if what I saw there is what they're all like now or if this was a special Abercrombie-- but it was shocking.
Standing in the doorway was a topless, bronzed, chest-shaven man. He was dancing. To the blasting techno music inside. I ventured in further. The whole store was dark, like a club, and there were colored lights flashing. There was fog and mist everywhere. Most of the employees were dancing. To ask a question, you had to interrupt one of the extremely good-looking dancing employees, and then yell loudly so they could hear your question over the music.
As I walked out, the bronzed, topless man thanked me for coming. His life has gone through ups and downs, lefts and rights, twists and turns-- and this is where it has all led him.
Later that day, I was still awestruck that one store could contain such a high level of d-baggery. I kind of respect it actually-- the executives at Abercrombie were like, "let's just run with the whole d-bag thing." Everyone's gotta have a niche, right?
6 comments:
abercrombie = d-baggery. right on.
I JUST GOT HOOKED ONTO YOUR BLOG. KEEP POSTING!
the abercrombie thing is too bizarre (and creepy).
*adds the word d-baggery to her dictionary*
Your clothes-shopping experience + observation about married couples = signs you need a wife. xD
did u catch this?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yOfR7IzKANw
I accidentally discovered this blog, but now I'm finding myself reading all these hilarious posts. keep posting man, this is good stuff! Makes me want to work on my blog...
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