An Impending Disaster

I was in my office today when I got a Facebook message from someone I don't know.

"u r soo hot!!!"

Well, then. Upon visiting Facebook, the mystery admirer was a girl of about 15. Odd.

A few minutes later, another Facebook friend request. This girl seemed to be about 13.

Then another. And another. Puzzling.

Sometimes my season of The Apprentice will air in a new country -- Norway, the Phillippines, Brazil -- and I'll get Facebook friend requests from that country for awhile.

But this was weird. Was it possible that The Apprentice was airing in a nation full of American teenage girls? I was perplexed.

Then, a few hours later, I flipped on the TV and watched American Idol on my DVR. After all, it's Hollywood Week.

And that's when I saw him.

Tim Urban -- one of The Others -- singing his little heart out there on the screen.

I spit out my drink.

Now you might recall my long-standing obsession with The Others -- those 50 or so other Tim Urban's out there.

I don't like them.

And I was always irked when they had the nerve to appear in "Tim Urban" google searches. I used to have to scan for a few pages to find anything about myself, until I finally took action and spent a summer calling Donald Trump "Mr. Trump" to solve this problem. It was a long climb, but I have ascended to the top of the vast, majestic "Tim Urban in google search pages" world. I sit there upon my throne, basking in glory, being fed grapes by the other Tim Urban's.

Never getting over-confident, I've kept a close eye on the other Tim Urban's -- they're a frisky bunch. Especially that troublesome mayor of West Des Moines. I watch him very closely. Should his political career ascend to the national level, my reign will surely be short-lived. I have a seductive prostitute and a stealthy cameraman hired and ready if such an ambition were to cross his mind.

There have been clever outside threats from pairs of closely associated famous people. Tim Tebow and Urban Meyer. Tim McGraw and Keith Urban. You'd think these guys had better things to do than sit around all day brainstorming how to overtake me on google as a pair. In any case, I have thwarted their advances thus far.

And then, just as I'm getting comfortable, this little effing 20-year-old pops in out of nowhere with his guitar. Who the hell does Tim Urban think he is? Did he not get the memo? I'M THE KING OF THIS CASTLE, BITCH.

Sorry, I'm agitated.

Here's the key. He cannot make the Top 24. Should this happen, I'm doomed to be "the other Tim Urban" for the rest of my existence.

I emailed the whore and cameraman tonight to be poised for action.

We are under attack.

32 comments:

izzie said...

i realize this is an important announcement and you couldn't postpone it, but two posts in two days? i'm utterly impressed.

anyway, i think you should use your Apprentice contacts for this one. call that Piers guy and tell him to tell Simon the impending threat that is this impostor.

get back to us about how that goes.

and you met a cameramen and a whore friend in that show? wow. i'm guessing heidi.

overlycautious said...

i just saw the hollywood week and your right, i like looked at the screen twice... tim urban? hehehe.

Anonymous said...

rejoice! he just got eliminated.

Anonymous said...

wait - perhaps not. a thousand apologies.

Anonymous said...

Nice - another semi-famous Tim Urban. Not the guy on American Idol - since he's my brother, I already knew about him - I meant you. I was looking for clips of him and found your blog... haha - hope you weren't watching AI tonight to spit out another drink. You were on the Apprentice or something, right?

Anonymous said...

haha i had no clue you were even on the Apprentice! just started reading your blog a couple of months ago cuz someone else linked to it.

you're a good writer. now i must investigate these Apprentice claims of yours!

Anonymous said...

The little Tim Urban in ya'
pants poppin'out've nowhere
that cost you the big time
and me 5 dollars ,that ...
no wait y' wouldnt've been
hired anyway.Nevermind.

Michael Imperioli ...

Anonymous said...

omg you people who don't know Tim was on the Apprentice.

Then again, I only watched your season Tim a year after it aired in the US, haha. I'm one of those people from the Philippines, and our programming is horrible here.

Also do you think Surya will actually get into congress. Just wondering.

Anonymous said...

more twitter followers, pal.

gotta see the positive side too.

Anonymous said...

Tim, You're going to appreciate this:
http://frugaltraveler.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/02/16/click-it-and-ticket-booking-a-flight-the-frugal-way/?ref=travel

Anonymous said...

Yeah... I would get over it. Poor bitches who complain are losers.

Anonymous said...

the bastard child got in the top 24.

this should be fun.

Anonymous said...

found your blog through googling the american idol tim urban (friend of mine from way back)... you are right. as great and successful as you are, you will slowly be forced to step down from the top of the ladder. blame the preteens. blame the stay at home moms. blame the fact he looks like a jonas brother. my condolences.

Anonymous said...

http://perezhilton.com/2010-02-18-top-24-contestant-booted-from-idol

Anonymous said...

sorry tim, but AI Tim is in the top 24... uh oh
http://blogs.wsj.com/speakeasy/2010/02/18/idol-update-why-tim-urban-replaced-chris-golightly-in-top-24/

Anonymous said...

And since he made it due to other contestant being disqualified, there will be even more Tim Urban hunters on the web, and they'll be looking for the young and pretty one.

Chrissytine said...

aww!!! he totally made it. im sorry "other tim urban" but hey, maybe he won't win!!

even thought i really want him to :P

Gonzalo said...

and now I appear as a top listener of this "hotel and restaurant singer with a strong drive to pursue music" on Last.fm

ugh
http://www.last.fm/music/Tim+Urban

darlene said...

i have to admit that i was actually googling for the other tim urban and found your blog (because i'm 15 too. sort of). your blog's hillarious. will keep reading.

Anonymous said...

You just made it to VFTW! http://votefortheworst.com/20100221/heres_one_guy_whos_not_happy_about_american_idols_tim_urban

You're going to be more famous thanks to the AI Tim!

Anonymous said...

i just found your blog cause vote for the worst linked to it, and i haven't left for hours. where have you been all my life???

anonymous said...

am i allowed to say this whole thing sucks?
i don't really want more people reading this blog even/especially if they found it by googling some jonas brother.

i'm awfully possessive of this blog for some some reason and i'm hating this crap.

quoting my favorite blogger, who the hell do those people think they are? did they not get the memo? I'M THE LACKEY OF THIS CASTLE, BITCHES.

sorry, i'm pissed.

Tim Urban said...

My name is Tim Urban. I live in Michigan. You're both way cooler and more impressive than I am. Way to represent the brand.

Kristine Lefebvre said...

Oh Tim, you will always be my #1 Tim Urban. Lets hope he does not pose for Playgirl or it is all over for you!!!
Krissy

Anonymous said...

I feel your pain, considering I have been an "other" for the last 11 years. I've never been famous, and if I type my name into Google, you could spend hours looking through every page and never find anything about me. However, I live in a very small town and there is another person with my name. To top it off, for the last 11 years, she has been in the newspaper more than not. Drug possession, DUIs, child abuse, domestic abuse... I could go on and on. So every time I told someone my name, they'd be... "oh". I would have to explain that I am not THAT one.

So, at least the "other one" for you isn't someone like my "other one".

Absolutely love your blog!

Anonymous said...

HUN, You ain't the KING OF THIS CASTLE ANYMORE. It's called HOSTILE takeover.

xoxo Gossip girl

Anonymous said...

There is only one thing left to do Apprentice Tim Urban. Post all your shirtless photos on the blog to retaliate against that Tim Urban's hairless chest, strong arms, tight abs...what was I talking about again?

Anonymous said...

hahaha. sucks for you. to bad this new tim is actually nice to look at. hey, if you can't beat them, join them.

Mary said...

I'm sorry. How does Winston feel about the ordeal?

Dagger Deeds said...

Goodness. I am an AmIdol fan and I just read your post. So funny.

Well, "the Other" Tim got through. Tween girls are all over him, so I bet he'll stick around.

Anonymous said...

oh please, you're hot too. i'm 19, but if i were 15 i would still think you're hot. those girls on facebook could know that you are you.

Anonymous said...

Haha, this post is hilarious! Thanks for the laugh, "Apprentice Tim Urban, current King of the Tim Urban Castle, but might be overtaken by the American Idol Tim Urban". I have a feeling you might be funnier than the AI Tim Urban though.