Last week I announced a contest whereby people would submit potential ways for me to respond to the grocery store cashier's quip, "thirsty?" which happens every time I buy water. As shocking as it is, 10 people actually responded, with a total of 22 water responses (I also received three teary-eyed anti-bottled water protests). Here are the potential responses, in appropriate categories:
Not Funny At All:
-Hey, baby. I'll show you who's thirsty.
-Totally!
-The end of the world is tomorrow!
Mildly Funny:
-As only a rugged man can be.
-Hungry?
-H double O rocks!
-Tap water is totally gay. Totally.
-I know where you live. [stare menacingly]
Pretty Funny:
-You should be more concerned about the homeless man sleeping in aisle 9.
-You're missing the point.
-The foot doctor said no tap water.
-It's my nana...old dog never gets sick of the dern stuff!
-Only for your hackneyed love.
-The chemicals in tap water react badly with my AIDS medication.
-As a whore.
Really Funny:
-The maid's water broke.
-You know those big tubs of colored plastic balls that kids play in? I'm going to put all these bottles in a tub and make something like that.
-The buffalos are coming.
-No, just rich.
-Listen, if you see a short, rustic man with a shock of red hair, DON'T tell him you saw me here.
-I got sick of milking the cows.
-If you're so funny why are you not a standup comic, but instead a poorly-paid cashier at a Santa Monica grocery store? When you can answer that, I'll tell you whether or not I'm thirsty. Bitch.
Every response in this final category made me laugh outloud when I read it. Most of them make no sense, but they make no sense in a very funny way. I narrowed it down to my three favorites:
-The maid's water broke. --This makes zero sense in the context. But it's incredibly funny.
-Listen, if you see a short, rustic man with a shock of red hair, DON'T tell him you saw me here. --This is already extremely funny, but the word "rustic" puts it over the top.
-I got sick of milking the cows. --God that's funny.
In choosing the winner, I imagined saying all of these to the cashier (all with a straight face and a dead-serious tone, of course), and I had no choice but to go with the one about the cows. It's funny for so many reasons. And yet so simple. Congrats, anonymous (I've never seen this person's email address before so I don't know who they are). No one can ever take this one away from you.
4 comments:
I can accept your choice of winner, but offer the following two thoughts:
1. "You're missing the point" has real merit, and could be considered exceptionally funny, particularly when you factor in the cashier's expression both at the moment and then lying in her bed three days later.
2. While "rustic" is, of course, hilarious, "shock of red hair" is not to be underestimated. While that phrase has been written many times, it has never, in my experience, been spoken.
2.
While it's not even funny, it would be
double H O, not H double O. Someone didn't finish chemistry one.
I'm hurt as hell that my comment didn't make the "really funny" list. This is bullshit.
i personally think "as a whore" is the funniest response. Laughed out loud at that one. You need to consider how incongruous anything dirty or inappropriate would be in response to the clerk's painfully banal "You thirsty?"
p.s. "milking the cows" is kind of gay, tim.
p.p.s. It's Eve here.
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