Packages

First I want to mention that I'm thrilled with the title of my previous entry, "Coach Potato". There's basically no chance that I'm not disgustingly clever.

Second, I'd like to tell you about a remarkably creepy thing that has occurred in my life. I returned from Boston Monday night to find two packages addressed to me that had arrived at my apartment while I was gone. I had no recollection of ordering anything, no one was planning to send me anything, it wasn't my birthday, it wasn't Purim, and I hadn't won anything, so I was understandably confused.

Suspicious, I opened the first. Three bottles of hot sauce. Oh yeah, I had ordered something. Pretty excited about those.

Then I opened the second. 6 Family Guy dolls, each in their own package. No note. No return address. Just six dolls. Each of a different Family Guy character.

Now I think there's a 20% chance that I'm assassinated in the next week. What kind of cryptic message is this and who sent it and why?

My first guess: the girl I dated last year who I hated because she hated the Family guy. Remember? Feel free to scroll down to my entry on November 17 to refresh yourself.

I'm saying it now, and making it public. Michelle, if you kill me, everyone who reads this blog will know it's you. I know we had our differences, but creepy death threats are not a reasonable reaction. We've both moved on with our lives. I'll keep the dolls, but please stop sending things to me.

If there are no posts on this blog in the next 5 days, call the police.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Sooo...the only way people would know you're missing is because you don't post on your blog?

Interesting.

Anna said...

It's May 2016 and I randomly came here just to see what Tim Urban's old posts were like, but now I have to read the whole blog because I want to know whether this mystery was solved.
I also have an exam tomorrow.

isaac lichter said...

Same! I opened up every single post from this site. I'm now going to spend the rest of my day reading.