Post Movie Syndrome

The only problem with a Martin Scorsese movie is the hour after the movie. After seeing The Departed last night (believe the hype-- it was a great movie), I left the movie theatre, and was pretty much scared of everyone. I was extremely paranoid walking back to my car, and was terrified that I was going to suddenly get shot by someone. When I walked into my apartment I braced myself to be knifed by someone hiding behind the door. Luckily, no one was there. This time.

This always happens to me. I can't watch any Scorsese movie without being ridiculously scared of everyone for at least an hour after the movie. It's not just this type of movie either. After I saw Outbreak, I washed my hands about 40 times a day.

It's more than just the paranoia. Movies like these, where people die constantly, make life feel fragile. After watching people die for a couple hours, it's hard to feel very secure about anything.

There are other categories of post-movie emotion. After seeing Little Miss Sunshine the other day, I left entirely depressed, and kind of wanted to swallow 50 Advil's.

There are countless movies after which I have left completely miserable because I can't spend the rest of my life with the girl in it. To name a few:

-Lost in Translation
-Beauty and the Beast
-Far and Away
-The Little Mermaid
-Requiem For a Dream
-Wedding Crashers
-Patch Adams (whatever)
-Garden State*

I guess it could be worse. After all, the woman sitting next to me at the movie last night jumped about 30 times. Sure, there are a couple sudden gunshot moments when everyone jumps, but this woman was hopping all over the place. When a quiet scene suddenly changed into a loud scene, she'd jump. When anyone would make a sudden movement, she'd jump. When anyone yelled, she'd jump. Then when she'd jump she'd startle me. The whole thing was upsetting.

And while we're on the topic of jumping, it's interesting how some people have a sense of humor about being startled, and some people absolutely hate it. And no one-- no one-- hates being startled more than my father. There are few small pleasures I relish more than seeing my father startled. When I was about five, I remember my father coming home from work. In a fantastic mood, he opened the door, and was launching into a "Daddy's home!" when my mother jumped out from behind the door and screamed "Boo!"

My father proceeded to yell out, "OhlhhhllhhlhHHHHLLLLHHHLLLHHHHhhlllhhhhhh!" To this day, it was the funniest thing I've ever witnessed. Of course, he was absolutely irate, and stormed upstairs. I'm telling you, whenever I'm down, I think of the sound he made that night, and it makes me smile.

Another friend of mine, Adam Lunin, has the only startled reaction that could possibly be any funnier than this. He goes, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH" for like 6 full seconds. This makes me happy.

It's the little things.

*It's funny-- I've been in love with Natalie Portman in movies multiple times. But I saw her from time to time during college, and she didn't seem especially charming, or cool. How is it that I'd leave a movie completely depressed because I can't marry her character, and then see her later that day, and think little of it? If she's so good at playing parts where she grabs every guy's heart, why doesn't she just act like that all the time?


Anonymous said...

Robin screaming boo at Andy is possibly the funniest scene i could ever think of.

Anonymous said...

I'm obsessed with Belle.

Anonymous said...

Great comments on the Portman issue. I guess it's the witers she doesn't have with her telling her charming things to say, or maybe the director is constantly telling her "If you just glance this way at this moment" or "put your hand on the back of his arm here".

Anonymous said...

i agree, von zedlitz is such a tricky fella

Anonymous said...

1. I love reading your blog (even so belatedly!)

2. Nonetheless I am going to observe, admittedly harshly, that maybe Portman doesn't go around constantly exercising her talent for "grabbing every guy's heart" because... she doesn't much care whether or not you're in love with her?

3. That said, I still think your blog is hilarious, mm, at least 90% of the time.