I get a lot of YouTube links forwarded to me. Everyone gets a lot of YouTube links forwarded to them. It's just part of life.
Then there are other times when you can get in one of those procrastinating vortexes where you watch a YouTube link and after it ends there are all these related links on the right side of the page and you click on one, and then another, and so on-- for hours. (I did this recently watching famous Presidential debate moments, which led me to JFK-Nixon debate moments, which eventually led me to a ridiculously graphic video of JFK's assassination, which in turn left me unable to sleep for awhile. Bad times.)
Anyway, in the course of all of these forwards and vortexes, you mostly come across a bunch of moderately entertaining, not-so-memorable clips. Here and there, though, you come across a keeper.
Here are 19 keeper links:
Let's start off with an old classic. I try to bring this one back into my life every couple months or so: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sVR1JunnuGE
Funny clip + Japanese = Hilarious clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cwvVh0_ZelI
I love seeing anyone get really furious, but especially Bill O'Reilly. He is a very bad man: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2tJjNVVwRCY
Short, but wonderful: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YwNi8dzj0S8
Another classic: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_OBlgSz8sSM
You will get choked up. Mark my words: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zVNTdWbVBgc
This one's made the rounds. The teleprompter stops working on this guy. Kind of long and slow, but also pretty special: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W45DRy7M1no
The funniest transformation in the world. I know I've posted this before, but I need to post it again: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1kWqLXP62gI
I've never seen anything like this. It's addictive: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ysqh1uzqGrc
Seems too good to be true, but it's real: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=we9_CdNPuJg
If you haven't seen Obama and McCain's roasts of each other, they're worth watching:
McCain's: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0N-j0W6MW-U
Obama's: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yY-cUUF3a1E
While we're on politics, this hijacked about four hours of my time: http://www.newsmeat.com/celebrity_political_donations/ -- after looking through celebrity donations, click the "Donor Search" tab and search for everyone you know.
This is rich: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iyrvnAq4HLw
You probably want to skip over this one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fxv6R9fUO74
I had never seen Mitch Hedberg stand-up until someone sent this to me: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IueXtzdC6kA -- if you like it as much as I did, there's a lot more here.
This is intense: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7dj298NRTO8
This guy makes me incredibly angry and jealous: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zlfKdbWwruY
And let's finish off with Dmitri. Good old Dmitri. Apparently these are real messages that the girl saved and they ended up on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JhofSilF05k
For more keepers, check out the best of break.com.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Friday, October 24, 2008
19 Things That Make Me Swear
There are two kinds of swearing:
1) Normal, conversational swearing, like, "Oh shit I forgot to invite Dave...whatever fuck Dave I don't really like him anyway."
2) And then there's real swearing. Like, "Oh FUCKING HELL! They towed my fucking car!"
The first type isn't really swearing-- it's just a part of typical American slang. I'm pretty liberal with this type. For example, I curse like sailor on this blog.
But the second type-- the real swearing-- is reserved for special occasions. So since you most likely woke up today and were like, "I wonder what makes Tim really swear-- like, the second type of swearing," I figured I'd make a little list for you.
I give you 19 occasions on which I swear:
When I'm in a rush and the person in front of me stops at the yellow light.
When I'm calling a girl I don't know very well, and I'm gonna leave a message and the phone call drops while it's ringing before the message comes on. This makes me swear because it leaves me with two bad choices: leave it at that and seem like this weird dude who called but was too scared or too cool to leave a message-- or, call back and leave a message and seem like this weird dude who called twice in two minutes.
When I'm trying to be productive, and the internet is either not moving or working excruciatingly slowly. In fact, I'm pretty sure that the stress and angst induced by slow or non-functioning internet will take off 5-10 years of my life when all is said and done.
When I realize that I forgot about the boiling pasta and it's been boiling for a half hour.
When someone on the Red Sox hits into a double play with one out and the bases loaded. While we're on sports, a moment that always induces a swear is during a fantasy draft when a guy you really want is slipping to you...and slipping to you...and then the guy right before you takes him.
When my iPhone slips out of my hand and cracks against the floor. Swearing only occurs when both the case is off and it lands a hard surface.
When I shop around for flights on Kayak.com and then a few days pass while I figure out a last detail or two and then I head back to Kayak and suddenly everything is $300 more expensive than it was two days ago.
When I accidentally knock my toothbrush off the counter and it plunges headfirst into the toilet.
When the coffee lid mouthpiece happens to be lined up with the little paper overlap in the rim, creating a tiny space, so when I take a sip, coffee dribbles out on my white shirt, a shirt that I need to wear for the next eight hours. To be clear, I don't swear every time I spill coffee on my shirt-- only in that specific instance when I spill it on a white shirt that I have no choice but to wear for the next eight hours.
When I'm driving and hear that little snippet of a siren and look in my rear view mirror and see a cop behind me with his lights on.
When I stub my toe badly. Not the times I stub my toe normally. The times when I stub it badly.
When I accidentally bump an uncapped water bottle and it topples over, hideously pouring water into the keys of my laptop like murderous lava pouring into my wretched soul. This happened two months ago. I cursed mightily. The worst part was that I had to borrow a laptop for two months before buying a new one because the new Mac laptops were just about to come out and I'll be damned if I was gonna buy the current version right before the new ones arrived. Then, yesterday, I got the new Mac laptop. I'm in a severe honeymoon phase at the moment. It is a glorious creature.
When I'm sitting at a stoplight and I get rear-ended. Or when I'm looking at a map and I rear-end someone. Both of these have happened. The former elicits a "What the FUCK?!" The latter, a "god FUCKING dammit!"
When I have some reason I need to wake up at a certain time and I wake up at a much later time and realize either that my alarm didn't go off or that I turned it off instead of pressing snooze and fell back asleep even though you'd think I would have learned by now to always press snooze unless I'm physically out of bed. Speaking of which, "snooze" is a completely ridiculous word.
When I'm playing tennis and fall into one of those bad zones where I make a string of unforced errors and each time I get more frustrated, which causes me to make even more unforced errors. Rackets have been broken.
When I excitedly flip through my TiVo looking for something and realize I fucked it up and it didn't record.
Burning myself usually leads to a loud swear. But one situation leads to the loudest of burn swears: when the soup is done and I take it out of the microwave and carry it out of the kitchen to the table but every second the bowl starts to burn my hands more and more until I get near the table and it's scorching my fingers and I drop it the last inch before hitting the table and some of the soup spills.
This one is the worst. You know those automated dudes when you call customer service who ask you to say things instead of pressing things? Like, instead of saying, "For technical service, press 1; for a customer service representative, press 2," they'll say, "for technical service, say, 'technical service'; for a customer service representative, say, 'representative.'" This kills me. If you ever hear me on the phone, angrily yelling a random word every five seconds, it means I'm on the phone with one of these automated pricks. It goes something like this:
Him: Hello. Please listen carefully as our menu has been changed. For store hours and directions, say, "store hours and directions"; for technical service, say, "technical service"; for a customer service representative, say, "representative."
Me: "Representative."
[pause]
Him: I'm sorry, I didn't get that. Let's try again. For sto—
Me: "Representative!"
[pause]
Him: Did you say, "technical service"?
Me: "NO!"
[pause]
Him: I'm sorry, I didn't get that. Did you say, "technical service"?
Me: "NO!"
Him: Hm. Let's try one more time. For s—
Me: "REPRESENTATIVE!"
[pause]
Him: Okay. Hold on one moment while I transfer you.
[pause]
Him: To help me direct you to the best location, tell me what you need. For questions about billing, say, "billing." For questions about sales, say, "sales." For questions about products, say, "prod—"
Me: PRODUCTS.
[pause]
Him: I'm sorry, I—
Me: FUCKING FUCK!
[pause]
Him: Did you say, "billing?"
And so on.
This last one may bring out the fiercest swearing of them all-- when computer applications quit at the worst time possible. When I've been writing a long email and I'm almost done and "The application Safari has unexpectedly quit." (Thank god gmail saves things every few minutes-- in the old days, no one saved shit.) When I'm working on something in Microsoft Word and it somehow gets lost-- the longer the document that I've just lost, the louder and more complex the swearing. That one time I lost an important "sticky note" induced a bellowing profanity.
Life, at times, is infuriating.
1) Normal, conversational swearing, like, "Oh shit I forgot to invite Dave...whatever fuck Dave I don't really like him anyway."
2) And then there's real swearing. Like, "Oh FUCKING HELL! They towed my fucking car!"
The first type isn't really swearing-- it's just a part of typical American slang. I'm pretty liberal with this type. For example, I curse like sailor on this blog.
But the second type-- the real swearing-- is reserved for special occasions. So since you most likely woke up today and were like, "I wonder what makes Tim really swear-- like, the second type of swearing," I figured I'd make a little list for you.
I give you 19 occasions on which I swear:
When I'm in a rush and the person in front of me stops at the yellow light.
When I'm calling a girl I don't know very well, and I'm gonna leave a message and the phone call drops while it's ringing before the message comes on. This makes me swear because it leaves me with two bad choices: leave it at that and seem like this weird dude who called but was too scared or too cool to leave a message-- or, call back and leave a message and seem like this weird dude who called twice in two minutes.
When I'm trying to be productive, and the internet is either not moving or working excruciatingly slowly. In fact, I'm pretty sure that the stress and angst induced by slow or non-functioning internet will take off 5-10 years of my life when all is said and done.
When I realize that I forgot about the boiling pasta and it's been boiling for a half hour.
When someone on the Red Sox hits into a double play with one out and the bases loaded. While we're on sports, a moment that always induces a swear is during a fantasy draft when a guy you really want is slipping to you...and slipping to you...and then the guy right before you takes him.
When my iPhone slips out of my hand and cracks against the floor. Swearing only occurs when both the case is off and it lands a hard surface.
When I shop around for flights on Kayak.com and then a few days pass while I figure out a last detail or two and then I head back to Kayak and suddenly everything is $300 more expensive than it was two days ago.
When I accidentally knock my toothbrush off the counter and it plunges headfirst into the toilet.
When the coffee lid mouthpiece happens to be lined up with the little paper overlap in the rim, creating a tiny space, so when I take a sip, coffee dribbles out on my white shirt, a shirt that I need to wear for the next eight hours. To be clear, I don't swear every time I spill coffee on my shirt-- only in that specific instance when I spill it on a white shirt that I have no choice but to wear for the next eight hours.
When I'm driving and hear that little snippet of a siren and look in my rear view mirror and see a cop behind me with his lights on.
When I stub my toe badly. Not the times I stub my toe normally. The times when I stub it badly.
When I accidentally bump an uncapped water bottle and it topples over, hideously pouring water into the keys of my laptop like murderous lava pouring into my wretched soul. This happened two months ago. I cursed mightily. The worst part was that I had to borrow a laptop for two months before buying a new one because the new Mac laptops were just about to come out and I'll be damned if I was gonna buy the current version right before the new ones arrived. Then, yesterday, I got the new Mac laptop. I'm in a severe honeymoon phase at the moment. It is a glorious creature.
When I'm sitting at a stoplight and I get rear-ended. Or when I'm looking at a map and I rear-end someone. Both of these have happened. The former elicits a "What the FUCK?!" The latter, a "god FUCKING dammit!"
When I have some reason I need to wake up at a certain time and I wake up at a much later time and realize either that my alarm didn't go off or that I turned it off instead of pressing snooze and fell back asleep even though you'd think I would have learned by now to always press snooze unless I'm physically out of bed. Speaking of which, "snooze" is a completely ridiculous word.
When I'm playing tennis and fall into one of those bad zones where I make a string of unforced errors and each time I get more frustrated, which causes me to make even more unforced errors. Rackets have been broken.
When I excitedly flip through my TiVo looking for something and realize I fucked it up and it didn't record.
Burning myself usually leads to a loud swear. But one situation leads to the loudest of burn swears: when the soup is done and I take it out of the microwave and carry it out of the kitchen to the table but every second the bowl starts to burn my hands more and more until I get near the table and it's scorching my fingers and I drop it the last inch before hitting the table and some of the soup spills.
This one is the worst. You know those automated dudes when you call customer service who ask you to say things instead of pressing things? Like, instead of saying, "For technical service, press 1; for a customer service representative, press 2," they'll say, "for technical service, say, 'technical service'; for a customer service representative, say, 'representative.'" This kills me. If you ever hear me on the phone, angrily yelling a random word every five seconds, it means I'm on the phone with one of these automated pricks. It goes something like this:
Him: Hello. Please listen carefully as our menu has been changed. For store hours and directions, say, "store hours and directions"; for technical service, say, "technical service"; for a customer service representative, say, "representative."
Me: "Representative."
[pause]
Him: I'm sorry, I didn't get that. Let's try again. For sto—
Me: "Representative!"
[pause]
Him: Did you say, "technical service"?
Me: "NO!"
[pause]
Him: I'm sorry, I didn't get that. Did you say, "technical service"?
Me: "NO!"
Him: Hm. Let's try one more time. For s—
Me: "REPRESENTATIVE!"
[pause]
Him: Okay. Hold on one moment while I transfer you.
[pause]
Him: To help me direct you to the best location, tell me what you need. For questions about billing, say, "billing." For questions about sales, say, "sales." For questions about products, say, "prod—"
Me: PRODUCTS.
[pause]
Him: I'm sorry, I—
Me: FUCKING FUCK!
[pause]
Him: Did you say, "billing?"
And so on.
This last one may bring out the fiercest swearing of them all-- when computer applications quit at the worst time possible. When I've been writing a long email and I'm almost done and "The application Safari has unexpectedly quit." (Thank god gmail saves things every few minutes-- in the old days, no one saved shit.) When I'm working on something in Microsoft Word and it somehow gets lost-- the longer the document that I've just lost, the louder and more complex the swearing. That one time I lost an important "sticky note" induced a bellowing profanity.
Life, at times, is infuriating.
Friday, October 17, 2008
Politics
I try not to do things like rant about politics here, because then this would turn into one of those blogs where people do annoying blog-cliché things, like rant about politics. But after 12 months of this election, I'm kind of left with no choice. Some thoughts on politics:
-- How bizarre must it have been for Joe the Plumber to watch the debate last night? People there with him must have been like, "Joe, they mentioned you!......Whoa, they're talking about you again!!.......Um, they're talking about you again......My god! Now they're talking to you-- they're giving you advice!......The fuck? Now they're arguing about you!...." How many texts must Joe have gotten last night?
In any case, the Joe thing is stupid. Because Joe is a plumber he fit the bill for McCain's message-- a typical middle class American working in a typical middle class career, whose taxes are about to go up if Barack Obama wins. Except one thing-- Joe is not a middle class American. Joe makes over $250,000 a year. Joe is a fucking rich dude. Joe drives a Lexus. Joe takes vacations in the Caribbean and stays in the Hyatt. Joe's kids go to a nice private school. But because his business is plumbing, he was a perfect way for McCain to deceive voters into believing that Obama will raise the average American's taxes.
-- The running mate is an oddly important part of presidential elections. They even get their own debate. Why? Vice presidents are irrelevant. Meanwhile, the key cabinet members, who are ridiculously relevant, aren't even selected during the campaign. How does that make sense? How much more useful would it be for candidates to choose their Secretaries of Defense and State during the campaign so we could watch them debate each other?
-- Regarding most issues that come up in politics, I can understand where both sides are coming from, even when I don't agree with one. But I don't really get the opposing gay marriage thing. Why? What's the point? Who feels adamant that gay people shouldn't be allowed to get married, and why don't they find something better to do with their time? Where is the downside? It just seems unnecessarily discriminatory.
This may be a stretch, but I think in 50 years we'll look back upon this time and the fact that gay marriage was a controversial issue will seem as backwards then as 1960's racial segregation seems now. Speaking of which, 40 years ago, black people had to sit on the back of the bus. What? This was socially acceptable 40 years ago in this country. And they had to use different water fountains. Pretty boggling.
While we're here, 88 years ago, women couldn't vote. This blows my mind. Like, there could be a woman who was a professor of political science who wasn't allowed to vote. But her 18 year old male students could.
So yeah- I think gay marriage will seem like those things in a few decades. Civil unions may be equal to marriage in their privileges, but it's still making an exclusion. Like the black water fountain, which provided the same water as the white water fountain-- but that wasn't the point.
Kind of lame that Obama is pretending he's opposed to gay marriage for political reasons, when obviously, deep down, he doesn't believe it should be opposed.
-- Similarly, it's upsetting that we live in a country in which you absolutely have to be religious to become president. I'm pretty sure that neither Obama nor McCain is actually religious, but both are pretending to be for political reasons. Why is religion a major criteria for the choice of commander-in-chief?? If you owned a big company and you were trying to select the perfect CEO, would their personal level of religion factor into your decision? Of course not.
And McCain's divorce is this huge problem for his campaign. Would you care whether your CEO was married to his second wife or his first? No, you wouldn't.
On the other hand-- what you would care about would be the level of education of your CEO.
But in this fucking country, Obama's high level of education has to be downplayed, because it is viewed as a negative trait (Bush covered it up in his campaigns as well).
-- Why should I vote on November 4? I live in California. California is definitely voting for Obama. Regardless of whether I vote or not. My vote has a 0.000000% chance of affecting the outcome. So why should I vote? If I'm supposed to vote out of principle, why not just wake up on November 4, write my vote on a little slip of paper, and very officially drop it in the toilet. Then I could flush the toilet, and pushing the little flush lever down would be just like pushing the little vote lever down. My vote would have as much chance of affecting anything, and I could save the trip to the voting booth. Not the worst plan, right?
I really can't stress enough how angry the Electoral College system makes me. When there were 13 states, and each one was basically its own country with its own rules and its own government-- then it made sense. But now? Now, it's really fucking stupid. Last night, the debate took place at Hofstra University, and we were all treated to the reaction of independent Ohio voters. Gasp! Independent Ohio voters-- The Great Deciders! They join independent Virginia voters and independent Florida voters as the most powerful people in the world at the moment. But independent California voters-- because they all happen to live within the irrelevant borders of a state that happens to be 60% full of left-leaning voters-- their votes don't count.
(The Senate is also an archaic system. Why should Wyoming's 500,000 people have as much influence in the Senate as California's 40 million? When each state was essentially its own nation, it made sense. That was 200 years ago.)
I know what everyone says about not voting-- "What if everyone decided not to vote? Then where would we be?" This is like when I was at summer camp when I was 6 years old and I was sitting on the lawn and I pulled out a handful of grass and the counselor said to me, "Don't pull out the grass. What if everyone did that?" This never made sense to me. Everyone doesn't pull out grass. Only some people pull out grass-- that's the whole point. Everyone doesn't not vote-- so it's okay for me to not vote.
Anyway, I'll probably end up voting because I don't feel like dealing with all the annoying judgmental people in my life condescending to me because I didn't vote on voting day. And I guess there is some local stuff to vote for which my vote actually counts. And it's kind of fun to go into the voting booth like a real adult and push the little levers. But still.
-- Finally, this is a real photo taken after the debate last night. I can't say enough about it:
-- How bizarre must it have been for Joe the Plumber to watch the debate last night? People there with him must have been like, "Joe, they mentioned you!......Whoa, they're talking about you again!!.......Um, they're talking about you again......My god! Now they're talking to you-- they're giving you advice!......The fuck? Now they're arguing about you!...." How many texts must Joe have gotten last night?
In any case, the Joe thing is stupid. Because Joe is a plumber he fit the bill for McCain's message-- a typical middle class American working in a typical middle class career, whose taxes are about to go up if Barack Obama wins. Except one thing-- Joe is not a middle class American. Joe makes over $250,000 a year. Joe is a fucking rich dude. Joe drives a Lexus. Joe takes vacations in the Caribbean and stays in the Hyatt. Joe's kids go to a nice private school. But because his business is plumbing, he was a perfect way for McCain to deceive voters into believing that Obama will raise the average American's taxes.
-- The running mate is an oddly important part of presidential elections. They even get their own debate. Why? Vice presidents are irrelevant. Meanwhile, the key cabinet members, who are ridiculously relevant, aren't even selected during the campaign. How does that make sense? How much more useful would it be for candidates to choose their Secretaries of Defense and State during the campaign so we could watch them debate each other?
-- Regarding most issues that come up in politics, I can understand where both sides are coming from, even when I don't agree with one. But I don't really get the opposing gay marriage thing. Why? What's the point? Who feels adamant that gay people shouldn't be allowed to get married, and why don't they find something better to do with their time? Where is the downside? It just seems unnecessarily discriminatory.
This may be a stretch, but I think in 50 years we'll look back upon this time and the fact that gay marriage was a controversial issue will seem as backwards then as 1960's racial segregation seems now. Speaking of which, 40 years ago, black people had to sit on the back of the bus. What? This was socially acceptable 40 years ago in this country. And they had to use different water fountains. Pretty boggling.
While we're here, 88 years ago, women couldn't vote. This blows my mind. Like, there could be a woman who was a professor of political science who wasn't allowed to vote. But her 18 year old male students could.
So yeah- I think gay marriage will seem like those things in a few decades. Civil unions may be equal to marriage in their privileges, but it's still making an exclusion. Like the black water fountain, which provided the same water as the white water fountain-- but that wasn't the point.
Kind of lame that Obama is pretending he's opposed to gay marriage for political reasons, when obviously, deep down, he doesn't believe it should be opposed.
-- Similarly, it's upsetting that we live in a country in which you absolutely have to be religious to become president. I'm pretty sure that neither Obama nor McCain is actually religious, but both are pretending to be for political reasons. Why is religion a major criteria for the choice of commander-in-chief?? If you owned a big company and you were trying to select the perfect CEO, would their personal level of religion factor into your decision? Of course not.
And McCain's divorce is this huge problem for his campaign. Would you care whether your CEO was married to his second wife or his first? No, you wouldn't.
On the other hand-- what you would care about would be the level of education of your CEO.
But in this fucking country, Obama's high level of education has to be downplayed, because it is viewed as a negative trait (Bush covered it up in his campaigns as well).
-- Why should I vote on November 4? I live in California. California is definitely voting for Obama. Regardless of whether I vote or not. My vote has a 0.000000% chance of affecting the outcome. So why should I vote? If I'm supposed to vote out of principle, why not just wake up on November 4, write my vote on a little slip of paper, and very officially drop it in the toilet. Then I could flush the toilet, and pushing the little flush lever down would be just like pushing the little vote lever down. My vote would have as much chance of affecting anything, and I could save the trip to the voting booth. Not the worst plan, right?
I really can't stress enough how angry the Electoral College system makes me. When there were 13 states, and each one was basically its own country with its own rules and its own government-- then it made sense. But now? Now, it's really fucking stupid. Last night, the debate took place at Hofstra University, and we were all treated to the reaction of independent Ohio voters. Gasp! Independent Ohio voters-- The Great Deciders! They join independent Virginia voters and independent Florida voters as the most powerful people in the world at the moment. But independent California voters-- because they all happen to live within the irrelevant borders of a state that happens to be 60% full of left-leaning voters-- their votes don't count.
(The Senate is also an archaic system. Why should Wyoming's 500,000 people have as much influence in the Senate as California's 40 million? When each state was essentially its own nation, it made sense. That was 200 years ago.)
I know what everyone says about not voting-- "What if everyone decided not to vote? Then where would we be?" This is like when I was at summer camp when I was 6 years old and I was sitting on the lawn and I pulled out a handful of grass and the counselor said to me, "Don't pull out the grass. What if everyone did that?" This never made sense to me. Everyone doesn't pull out grass. Only some people pull out grass-- that's the whole point. Everyone doesn't not vote-- so it's okay for me to not vote.
Anyway, I'll probably end up voting because I don't feel like dealing with all the annoying judgmental people in my life condescending to me because I didn't vote on voting day. And I guess there is some local stuff to vote for which my vote actually counts. And it's kind of fun to go into the voting booth like a real adult and push the little levers. But still.
-- Finally, this is a real photo taken after the debate last night. I can't say enough about it:
Thursday, October 02, 2008
The First Presidential Debate
It's debate season. As most of you know, the first presidential debate took place on Friday. Since it's important to be informed about what's happening, I figured I'd publish the exact transcript here for anyone who missed it:
______________________________________________________
Jim Lehrer: Welcome to the Ford Center at the University of Mississippi in Oxford. I'm Jim Lehrer. I'm a very, very old man. The questions tonight were chosen by me, and they were not cleared by anyone. Not even me. Now please welcome the candidates, Senators Barack Obama and John McCain.
[candidates walk out to podiums]
Lehrer: Let's get started. At this very moment tonight, where do you stand on the financial recovery plan? Senator Obama?
Obama: Well thank you Jim. And I'd like to thank the University of Mississippi for hosting this event. I'd also like to thank the people of Ohio, Virginia, Michigan, and Florida for just being you. As for the financial recovery plan, I'm a Main Street guy. Wall Street can blow me.
Lehrer: Um...is that it?
Obama: It's very straightforward, Jim. There are two streets, and quite simply, one is better than the other. Furthermore, golden parachutes.
Lehrer: Alright...Senator McCain?
McCain: Well I'd like to begin by wishing my best to the wonderful Ted Kennedy, who is in the hospital tonight.
Obama: Fuck. Touché.
McCain: Yeah I can't believe you didn't think of that. We need to fix the biggest crisis of our time. And I've been around a little while. I'm an extremely old man. Eight years ago, people were like, "McCain's probably too old to be president." I can't fucking believe I got nominated eight years after that.
Obama: Yeah how did you pull that off?
McCain: I'm not sure. It's pretty nuts. Anyway, we need to solve this financial crisis and we need to drill offshore.
Lehrer: Senator McCain, please stay on topic.
McCain: Reach across the aisle.
Lehrer: What? Okay, listen-- I'd like you two to argue against each other and not just talk to me.
Obama: Look. We need more regulation, more accountability, more transparency, and we need to make Main Street longer.
Lehrer: Um, longer, Senator Obama?
Obama: That's right. Longer. Main Street is a fucking rad street and if we make it longer, then there's more of Main Street. John McCain thinks the economy is booming.
Lehrer: Christ, stop talking about each other in the third person. Please use the second person.
Obama: Oh yeah. John, you think the economy is booming.
McCain: No I don't. And I refuse to use the second person. The second person is elitist and over-educated. The third person is a hardworking middle-class American.
Lehrer: The fuck?
McCain: And I think we should make Main Street even longer than Senator Obama wants to make it.
Lehrer: Even...longer, Senator McCain?
McCain: That's right. If Senator Obama had his way, he'd make Main Street kind of longer. I'd make it ridiculously longer.
Obama: Well I'd shorten Wall Street.
[audience gasp]
Lehrer: Okay, fuck it. Let's move on. Senator McCain, what would you do as President that's different than Barack Obama.
McCain: I'd cut spending. I'd coerce spending into resigning. And when I'm President and I want spending to resign, spending will fucking resign. I'll have the power to have people and their families killed and goddammit I intend to use it. Obama wants to spend more. He wants mad earmarks. He wants to go on a shopping spree and spend the shit out of things.
Lehrer: Is that true, Senator Obama? Do you want to go on a shopping spree and spend the shit out of things?
Obama: Of course not. Sure, I'd earmark the shit out of the place-- but I'd tax the assholes making over $250,000 a year to pay for it.
Lehrer: That's a pretty good point. Senator McCain, please respond to Senator Obama. Look at Senator Obama and respond to him.
McCain: Jim, it's quite simple. Senator Obama wants to raise the taxes of every American, essentially putting a Slip 'N' Slide on Main Street and thus making a mockery of all the people living there.
Obama: You see, this is when I get angry. Not angry angry like a typical person. But angry in my Barack Obama way. I remain mad calm and collected. For better or worse.
Lehrer: Alright, enough. What are you angry about?
Obama: He continues to say I'd raise taxes. I'm planning to fucking cut taxes for 95% of Americans. 95 fucking percent. I don't know how many times I can say it. Unless you're some dick living on Wall Street, I will cut your taxes.
McCain: You see, Jim, this is the same shit that makes Obama the most liberal person in the history of the Senate, and indeed, the world. He'd actually raise taxes of all kinds of Americans.
Obama: You dick.
McCain: Sissy.
Obama: I'm sorry, I have to say something here-- what is with your constant smug smile Senator McCain? It's making me violently angry.
McCain: I just think it's cute when you try to act like a "real politician." You're cute.
Obama: You're going to die like 40 years before me.
McCain: That was hurtful.
Obama: Yeah, sorry. But your smile is infuriating.
Lehrer: Alright, let's move on. As a result of a potential $700 billion bailout, what would each of you give up to pay for it? Senator Obama?
Obama: We need energy independence. Healthcare for all Americans. We need to prevent jobs from going overseas.
Lehrer: Senator Obama, you didn't answer my question-- you just stated stuff that you want to do as President.
Obama: John McCain represents four more years of the failed policies of the Bush Administration.
Lehrer: Okay...Senator McCain? What would you give up to pay for the bailout?
McCain: When I was a prisoner in Hanoi, there was a small window in my cell. One day, a little bird came by-- a robin, I believe-- and said to me, "John, these are tough times. But your country needs you. Do you know that? Do you know that John?" It was at that moment that I gave myself to Jesus, and then gave Jesus to my country. So by extension, I gave myself to my country.
Lehrer: [Sigh] This debate is ridiculously boring. You guys are repeating the same exact 10-12 sentences we've heard for the last 10 months, no matter what my questions are. Please-- for the sake of the millions of people watching-- give us something new. What is something specific that you would give up to compensate for the bailout?
Obama: I'd give up dependence on foreign oil.
McCain: I'd give up insurgent attacks on our American troops abroad. And I'd give up America's resistance to drill offshore.
Obama: I'd give up the high unemployment rate and I'd give up how we keep not finding Osama Bin Laden.
Lehrer: Fucking hell. Okay, let's continue-- what are the lessons from Iraq? Senator McCain?
McCain: Victory.
Lehrer: Is that all, Senator McCain?
McCain: That's all.
Obama: See, I think Iraq is a very complex situation with many facets and it is hard to break it down to a simple "win or lose" outcome.
McCain: That's the kind of elitist bullshit that the American people are sick of from your mouth. Did you always think that way? Or did you change when you were a POW in Vietnam?
Obama: What?
McCain: Oh that's right. That was me. I was the POW. Not you.
Lehrer: Brilliant. Any last words on Iraq?
McCain: Folks, Senator Obama was against the surge in Iraq. He wants to cut funds to the troops and give them poisonous food. And as the chairman of the foreign relations subcommittee, he hasn't even visited Iraq. He can't even point out Iraq on the map. He celebrates Ramadan.
Obama: You just lied 6 times in 5 sentences.
McCain: Yeah, I've been getting trained by my campaign experts on how to slander and lie really obviously but in a way that most Americans still believe.
Obama: Fuck.
McCain: Yeah.
Lehrer: Okay, but again, let's focus on the question here. What are the lessons of Iraq?
McCain: I was in Ohio the other day. A good American woman came up to me and handed me a bracelet. She said it was the bracelet of her son, who had died in Iraq.
Obama: Well I was in Florida recently, and an old Christian veteran soldier came up to me and gave me a necklace. There were 32 beads-- each one for one of his grandchildren, all of whom had died in Afghanistan.
McCain: And just last week I was in Wisconsin. A bald eagle landed on my shoulder. First, he saluted me. Then, he gave me an anklet. It had belonged to his nephew, who had died in a hunting accident. Senator Obama doesn't seem to understand that.
Lehrer: Let's move on. How about Iran?
McCain: Ahmenidenijad. Achmedinindaj. Ahmendijababobaba. Fuck.
Obama: Really? My campaign guys made me repeat the name like 400 times so I couldn't possibly mess it up.
McCain: I know, me too. I'm incredibly upset with myself right now.
Lehrer: Alright, how about Russia. Senator McCain?
McCain: What Senator Obama doesn't seem to understand.
[pause]
Lehrer: Yes?
McCain: What?
Lehrer: You said, "What Senator Obama doesn't seem to understand..."
McCain: Yes.
Lehrer: What doesn't he seem to understand?
McCain: We Republicans came to power to change Washington, and Washington changed us.
Lehrer: The fuck?
McCain: Wind-solar-water-biodiesel-geothermal.
Obama: Yeah, they had me memorize that too.
McCain: It took me quite some time.
Obama: Oh. Really?
McCain: I never won Miss Congeniality in the Senate.
Obama: John McCain voted 90% of the time with the Bush Administration.
McCain: Maverick.
Obama: Brady Bunch.
McCain: POW.
Obama: George Bush.
McCain: Naive.
Obama: Folks. Ordinary, hard-working folks.
Lehrer: Christ, stoppit! This is disgustingly boring. Do you really think Americans are that dumb?
[pause]
McCain: Well, yeah.
Obama: Yeah, obviously. That's what our entire campaigns are centered around. Winning over dumb people in about eight specific states.
Lehrer: Well that's wonderful. Thanks for a stimulating debate. Please join us next week for the sure to be more interesting vice-presidential debate. Good night and good luck.
______________________________________________________
Jim Lehrer: Welcome to the Ford Center at the University of Mississippi in Oxford. I'm Jim Lehrer. I'm a very, very old man. The questions tonight were chosen by me, and they were not cleared by anyone. Not even me. Now please welcome the candidates, Senators Barack Obama and John McCain.
[candidates walk out to podiums]
Lehrer: Let's get started. At this very moment tonight, where do you stand on the financial recovery plan? Senator Obama?
Obama: Well thank you Jim. And I'd like to thank the University of Mississippi for hosting this event. I'd also like to thank the people of Ohio, Virginia, Michigan, and Florida for just being you. As for the financial recovery plan, I'm a Main Street guy. Wall Street can blow me.
Lehrer: Um...is that it?
Obama: It's very straightforward, Jim. There are two streets, and quite simply, one is better than the other. Furthermore, golden parachutes.
Lehrer: Alright...Senator McCain?
McCain: Well I'd like to begin by wishing my best to the wonderful Ted Kennedy, who is in the hospital tonight.
Obama: Fuck. Touché.
McCain: Yeah I can't believe you didn't think of that. We need to fix the biggest crisis of our time. And I've been around a little while. I'm an extremely old man. Eight years ago, people were like, "McCain's probably too old to be president." I can't fucking believe I got nominated eight years after that.
Obama: Yeah how did you pull that off?
McCain: I'm not sure. It's pretty nuts. Anyway, we need to solve this financial crisis and we need to drill offshore.
Lehrer: Senator McCain, please stay on topic.
McCain: Reach across the aisle.
Lehrer: What? Okay, listen-- I'd like you two to argue against each other and not just talk to me.
Obama: Look. We need more regulation, more accountability, more transparency, and we need to make Main Street longer.
Lehrer: Um, longer, Senator Obama?
Obama: That's right. Longer. Main Street is a fucking rad street and if we make it longer, then there's more of Main Street. John McCain thinks the economy is booming.
Lehrer: Christ, stop talking about each other in the third person. Please use the second person.
Obama: Oh yeah. John, you think the economy is booming.
McCain: No I don't. And I refuse to use the second person. The second person is elitist and over-educated. The third person is a hardworking middle-class American.
Lehrer: The fuck?
McCain: And I think we should make Main Street even longer than Senator Obama wants to make it.
Lehrer: Even...longer, Senator McCain?
McCain: That's right. If Senator Obama had his way, he'd make Main Street kind of longer. I'd make it ridiculously longer.
Obama: Well I'd shorten Wall Street.
[audience gasp]
Lehrer: Okay, fuck it. Let's move on. Senator McCain, what would you do as President that's different than Barack Obama.
McCain: I'd cut spending. I'd coerce spending into resigning. And when I'm President and I want spending to resign, spending will fucking resign. I'll have the power to have people and their families killed and goddammit I intend to use it. Obama wants to spend more. He wants mad earmarks. He wants to go on a shopping spree and spend the shit out of things.
Lehrer: Is that true, Senator Obama? Do you want to go on a shopping spree and spend the shit out of things?
Obama: Of course not. Sure, I'd earmark the shit out of the place-- but I'd tax the assholes making over $250,000 a year to pay for it.
Lehrer: That's a pretty good point. Senator McCain, please respond to Senator Obama. Look at Senator Obama and respond to him.
McCain: Jim, it's quite simple. Senator Obama wants to raise the taxes of every American, essentially putting a Slip 'N' Slide on Main Street and thus making a mockery of all the people living there.
Obama: You see, this is when I get angry. Not angry angry like a typical person. But angry in my Barack Obama way. I remain mad calm and collected. For better or worse.
Lehrer: Alright, enough. What are you angry about?
Obama: He continues to say I'd raise taxes. I'm planning to fucking cut taxes for 95% of Americans. 95 fucking percent. I don't know how many times I can say it. Unless you're some dick living on Wall Street, I will cut your taxes.
McCain: You see, Jim, this is the same shit that makes Obama the most liberal person in the history of the Senate, and indeed, the world. He'd actually raise taxes of all kinds of Americans.
Obama: You dick.
McCain: Sissy.
Obama: I'm sorry, I have to say something here-- what is with your constant smug smile Senator McCain? It's making me violently angry.
McCain: I just think it's cute when you try to act like a "real politician." You're cute.
Obama: You're going to die like 40 years before me.
McCain: That was hurtful.
Obama: Yeah, sorry. But your smile is infuriating.
Lehrer: Alright, let's move on. As a result of a potential $700 billion bailout, what would each of you give up to pay for it? Senator Obama?
Obama: We need energy independence. Healthcare for all Americans. We need to prevent jobs from going overseas.
Lehrer: Senator Obama, you didn't answer my question-- you just stated stuff that you want to do as President.
Obama: John McCain represents four more years of the failed policies of the Bush Administration.
Lehrer: Okay...Senator McCain? What would you give up to pay for the bailout?
McCain: When I was a prisoner in Hanoi, there was a small window in my cell. One day, a little bird came by-- a robin, I believe-- and said to me, "John, these are tough times. But your country needs you. Do you know that? Do you know that John?" It was at that moment that I gave myself to Jesus, and then gave Jesus to my country. So by extension, I gave myself to my country.
Lehrer: [Sigh] This debate is ridiculously boring. You guys are repeating the same exact 10-12 sentences we've heard for the last 10 months, no matter what my questions are. Please-- for the sake of the millions of people watching-- give us something new. What is something specific that you would give up to compensate for the bailout?
Obama: I'd give up dependence on foreign oil.
McCain: I'd give up insurgent attacks on our American troops abroad. And I'd give up America's resistance to drill offshore.
Obama: I'd give up the high unemployment rate and I'd give up how we keep not finding Osama Bin Laden.
Lehrer: Fucking hell. Okay, let's continue-- what are the lessons from Iraq? Senator McCain?
McCain: Victory.
Lehrer: Is that all, Senator McCain?
McCain: That's all.
Obama: See, I think Iraq is a very complex situation with many facets and it is hard to break it down to a simple "win or lose" outcome.
McCain: That's the kind of elitist bullshit that the American people are sick of from your mouth. Did you always think that way? Or did you change when you were a POW in Vietnam?
Obama: What?
McCain: Oh that's right. That was me. I was the POW. Not you.
Lehrer: Brilliant. Any last words on Iraq?
McCain: Folks, Senator Obama was against the surge in Iraq. He wants to cut funds to the troops and give them poisonous food. And as the chairman of the foreign relations subcommittee, he hasn't even visited Iraq. He can't even point out Iraq on the map. He celebrates Ramadan.
Obama: You just lied 6 times in 5 sentences.
McCain: Yeah, I've been getting trained by my campaign experts on how to slander and lie really obviously but in a way that most Americans still believe.
Obama: Fuck.
McCain: Yeah.
Lehrer: Okay, but again, let's focus on the question here. What are the lessons of Iraq?
McCain: I was in Ohio the other day. A good American woman came up to me and handed me a bracelet. She said it was the bracelet of her son, who had died in Iraq.
Obama: Well I was in Florida recently, and an old Christian veteran soldier came up to me and gave me a necklace. There were 32 beads-- each one for one of his grandchildren, all of whom had died in Afghanistan.
McCain: And just last week I was in Wisconsin. A bald eagle landed on my shoulder. First, he saluted me. Then, he gave me an anklet. It had belonged to his nephew, who had died in a hunting accident. Senator Obama doesn't seem to understand that.
Lehrer: Let's move on. How about Iran?
McCain: Ahmenidenijad. Achmedinindaj. Ahmendijababobaba. Fuck.
Obama: Really? My campaign guys made me repeat the name like 400 times so I couldn't possibly mess it up.
McCain: I know, me too. I'm incredibly upset with myself right now.
Lehrer: Alright, how about Russia. Senator McCain?
McCain: What Senator Obama doesn't seem to understand.
[pause]
Lehrer: Yes?
McCain: What?
Lehrer: You said, "What Senator Obama doesn't seem to understand..."
McCain: Yes.
Lehrer: What doesn't he seem to understand?
McCain: We Republicans came to power to change Washington, and Washington changed us.
Lehrer: The fuck?
McCain: Wind-solar-water-biodiesel-geothermal.
Obama: Yeah, they had me memorize that too.
McCain: It took me quite some time.
Obama: Oh. Really?
McCain: I never won Miss Congeniality in the Senate.
Obama: John McCain voted 90% of the time with the Bush Administration.
McCain: Maverick.
Obama: Brady Bunch.
McCain: POW.
Obama: George Bush.
McCain: Naive.
Obama: Folks. Ordinary, hard-working folks.
Lehrer: Christ, stoppit! This is disgustingly boring. Do you really think Americans are that dumb?
[pause]
McCain: Well, yeah.
Obama: Yeah, obviously. That's what our entire campaigns are centered around. Winning over dumb people in about eight specific states.
Lehrer: Well that's wonderful. Thanks for a stimulating debate. Please join us next week for the sure to be more interesting vice-presidential debate. Good night and good luck.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
