Thoughts on Memorial Day

I'm very pleased with the outcome of American Idol. David Cook's pretty rad. And this serves as proof that I wasn't just jealous last year. You see, last year I was like, "I hate Blake Lewis," and some girl I was watching with, I forget who, was like, "You're just jealous." And I was like, "No I'm not." And if that were the case, I'd be equally jealous and hateful of David Cook. But I'm not at all. Because he's not a d-bag like Blake Lewis.

Last night I read an article which mentioned something Ann Coulter had said, which prompted me to find the YouTube clip of it, which in turn prompted me to watch a dozen Ann Coulter clips, which in turn made me want to inflict physical harm upon her. It's not even her viewpoints. I disagree with most of what she says, but not all-- and I can certainly count on her to articulate the things I dislike about the Democratic Party. It's more that her whole shtick-- being as smug and infuriating as possible-- makes me want to inflict physical harm upon her. If she were a man she would be irrelevant on any national stage, being so extreme and vitriolic. But being an "attractive" blond woman, she has a continual national spotlight and all of her books become best-sellers. It makes me furious. She should be irrelevant.

Winston's freezedancing has catapulted him into stardom. His YouTube clip has reached millions* as it has soared across the internet. "It's been a crazy week," he said yesterday. "I'm just trying to soak it all in and enjoy the ride. And I want to thank all the fans out there. Without you, none of this would have been possible." (*Actual viewers: 81)

I saw Iron Man this weekend. It was pretty rad. The first half was an A and the second half was a B. The special effects were satisfying and delicious.

Speaking of movies, Mike Myers, Adam Sandler, Will Ferrell, and Ben Stiller all used to make good movies, and now they all make bad movies.

Phil Hughes: 22 IP, 0-4, 13 K, 13 BB, 9.00 ERA, 2.136 WHIP
Ian Kennedy: 34 IP, 0-3, 25 K, 23 BB, 7.27 ERA, 1.788 WHIP

Bill Clinton is the real loser in all of this. People who love Obama want him to go the hell away. People who just want any Democrat to win want Hillary to drop out, so they want him to go away too. Republicans never liked him and like him even less these days. The only people whose cause is aligned with his are Hillary supporters, and a lot of people who like Hillary hate him for all of his womanizing scandals anyway. For someone who was on his way to going down in history in a very revered and positive light, he has really brought himself and his reputation right down to earth with his annoying presence in this election.

I got my car washed on Wednesday, for the first time in a long time. Then it rained on Thursday, also for the first time in a long time. Great.

I spent part of the weekend in San Diego, and obviously paid a visit to the zoo. The zoo might be my favorite place in the world. Thoughts:

• Hippos are incredibly bizarre. They're like huge water pigs. Seriously, what the hell is a hippo?
• When I see flamingos, I have the burning desire to swipe their standing leg from under them with a golf club.
• I could watch monkeys forever. We watched a family of gorillas for like a half hour-- they're exactly like a family of people hanging out. I desperately want to own a one-foot tall chimp, dress him in overalls, and take him everywhere with me.
• I hung out with adult Winstons who were like 110 years old. They were incredibly big and old and awesome.
• Tigers are delicious.

I have about 60 T-shirts and I hate like 58 of them.

There's a new iPhone coming out on June 7th. It's going to be better than my iPhone. I'm incredibly upset about this.

For someone who is an extremely intense Red Sox and Patriots fan, it has been pleasant rooting for the Celtics as a casual, bandwagon fan. Sure, I'm pretty immersed in it by now, but my heart is just not at stake the way it is when the other two teams are in the playoffs.

Winston

My tortoise Winston, though a regular visitor to this blog, has always requested that I leave him out of it as much as possible. He has been particularly adamant that I refrain from posting photos or videos of him here. I asked him his reasons once and he said he didn't want to start getting recognized in public. Plus, he added, he'd be playing with fire should he ever want to pursue a career in politics, something he's mused about for ages. I, for one, have always suspected that he's a bit shy more than anything.

But readers are becoming restless. Requests to see Winston in the flesh have recently turned to demands. Just days ago, a commenter suggested that perhaps Winston wasn't even real-- that he may be only a figment of my twisted imagination. Winston, who had remained quiet on the subject despite the growing protests, had had enough.

"Screw it," he said to me one recent morning.

"Screw it?" I asked.

"Screw it. Put me in the blog. I don't want these blog visitors thinking that I don't exist."

"You do exist," I added.

"Damned right I do," he snapped. "Put me in the blog."

This was a big step for him. "Are you sure?" I asked.

He paused. His head emerged a few millimeters further from his shell, and he looked out the window. He stayed like that for a couple minutes, pensive. "Yes," he said finally. "Yes, I'm sure."

"Do you want to show them your freezedance?" I asked delicately.

We both knew the answer. "Yes," he said. "Yes, show them my freezedance."

And so, on this Sunday, you'll all have a chance to get to know one of my closest friends and fondest toys. I'm happy to present to you, Winston the Tortoise. The unbearably low quality of these videos is the reason for the background sound. No volume is needed until the last two videos.

We'll get to his musical talents later. First, let's visit Winston doing ordinary things. Here he is hanging out (I would recommend that you don't watch more than 10 seconds of this video, as it is excruciatingly boring):




Eating, and enjoying doing so:




I always think it's funny that evolution gave tortoises the shaft in every possible way (they can't run, they can't climb, they can't swim, they can't bite, they can't claw) except one-- they can hide. Anytime, anywhere. This is Winston retracting into his shell the first time the camera approaches him:




It's a myth that tortoises are slow. Winston is incredibly fast, he's just carrying a massive shell on his back all the time. As soon as I relieve him of that weight, he speed along nicely:




Winston always enjoys a good challenge. Here, he finds himself in a pickle as he is surrounded by a wire. He knows he needs to get out, but it won't be easy:




Getting off the shoe is one nut Winston still hasn't cracked:




Time to crank your computer volume up. Winston is exceptional at freezedancing:




I couldn't help myself: