19 Things I Don't Understand

Why men have nipples.

How almost everyone ends up finding someone they want to marry and who wants to marry them.

How the birds decide who gets to be the one in the front of the V.

How you can distinguish so easily when someone standing 10 feet away from you is making exact eye contact versus looking one inch above your eye (the difference in their eye position is less than a millimeter). Why is eye contact so obvious?

How I can hold my cell phone, which is a little piece of plastic, and speak into it, and my friend in Sydney can hear what I said in his little piece of plastic, even though there's an ocean between us.

Why January 1 is the New Year. It's all based on Jesus, and the two big Jesus days are Christmas and Easter, right? What the hell happened on January 1?

How there can be a "new moon." A full moon happens when the sun is behind the Earth, shining toward the half of the moon that faces us. How can there be a new moon without the sun being behind it, all up in our grille like it is during the day?

Why the driving age is 16. Shouldn't it be like 19 or 20? How do parents sleep at night when their 16-year-old kid is driving around all the time? I'll be damned if my future 15-year-old daughter is ever getting in the car with some 16-year-old, 120 pound guy with a wispy little moustache and his shitty little skateboard. And his music.

Why I subscribe to 4 magazines if I basically read none of them ever.

Why I'm allergic to almost all dogs and cats and most other people aren't. What the hell? Either all humans should be allergic to dogs and cats, or none of them.

The obsession with contrived celebrity couples. What could possibly be less interesting than the happenings between Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes? If you put me in front of one of those TV shows where Paparazzi make celebrities so angry that they lash out, I won't move until the show is over. There can be a tsunami washing over Los Angeles and I will stay put. But the fascination with the relationships I will never understand.

How there can be music on the face of a CD or video and sound on the face of a DVD. I understand how there could be dust on the surface, or maybe dirt, or even jelly if you were so inclined-- but not music.

Why I can't ever walk in the grocery store for any reason without spending under $100, or the bookstore without spending $40.

Why people like the Matrix movies.

Why everyone thinks that going to a loud, dark, jam-packed bar where you can't have a conversation with anyone and it takes 8 minutes of hard work to get a $7 drink is an ideal social situation.

I know this has been said a lot before, but the whole David Eckstein situation. The only plausible explanation is that as a kid he found a genie lamp and one of his wishes was to be a professional baseball player. For Christ sake, he hit a homerun last week. It has to be a genie. (If I had a genie lamp I'd wish for an outdoor hot tub. Period. Although this inclination may be influenced by the fact that I'm in my mom's house at the moment, and even though it's 40 degrees outside, she doesn't feel the need to turn on the heat. I'm shivering. This is inexplicable.)

Why it costs 39 cents for someone to hand deliver an envelope to someone's door 3,000 miles away. Shouldn't it cost like $7? And you'd read about how in the 1950's it cost 39 cents to send a letter and you'd be shocked?

Why in a huge nation like the United States, with a complex array of political issues, there are two political categories, and every politician has to abide by one of them to have any political success. I don't know how, but this should change.

What the hell we're all doing here. I'm not trying to get into some deep "meaning of life" thing, but the fact that people exist is kind of weird, isn't it?


  1. Anonymous12:44 PM

    regarding the heat situation, the pilot light on the boiler went out and won't relight. the plumber can't come until monday. suck it up. i didn't raise a wuss.
    your mother

  2. This is my life.

  3. I haven't slept in four years. Bigger trouble is, is that I am the parent of three boys with skateboards. And there music.

  4. Anonymous8:25 PM

    one of my favorite posts. mostly because i can picture you being all baffled and flustered on each topic. and while Tim in baffled mode can be kind of a lot to deal with in person, in writing it is sheer joy.

  5. Anonymous11:02 AM

    I don't get how glasses didn't exist untill pretty recently ago and how native Americans went into serious battle when probably over half of them could only see blurry visions.
    I think about this question often
    -love the awkward engaged dude

  6. Anonymous5:55 PM

    men have nipples because wasserman needed something to put on top of his gigantic tits.

  7. Turban,
    January 1st was the day Jesus' foreskin was removed in the ritual ceremony of habrit milah (the bris).
    Hope all is well.
    Cheddar Ted

  8. Anonymous11:39 PM

    just read your bio and...i'm looking forward to your productive dialogue with Mr. Trump, the cast and the extras.
    I love your your blogs...don't hesitate to show your real side. your personality makes you unique.
    And, thanks for contribution to the diverse world.

  9. Jonathan, I'm thrilled with you at the moment.

  10. Anonymous1:48 PM

    Here in Brazil we can only drive with 18 years old =/

  11. Anonymous3:59 AM


    The Matrix is a good fucking movie.

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