In a matter of hours I'll board a plane to Southeast Asia, via Tokyo. It'll be a 24 hour travel day, which will end with me stumbling through the streets of Bangkok at midnight (10am PT). Which should, at the very least, lead to a spicy posting on this very blog. In the event, though, that this site remains stagnant for the next two weeks, I would like to say goodbye, for now.
You behave yourself while I'm gone.
The Doctor's Office
What would a visit to the doctor be without a blog entry immediately afterwards?
It all began with the waiting room, where I caught up with Highlights stars Goofus and Gallant* and demolished the hidden pictures in record time. An hour after my set appointment, I was called in to the doctor's office. He asked me about myself. When I explained that I was a composer, he commented that he plays the guitar for the show Deadwood, and said I should call him if I ever need a guitarist. The doctor. Only in Los Angeles.
Then he gave me my immunizations for Asia. Shots have really lost their mystique. I don't know why they were such a big deal was when I was younger. A paper cut hurts more than a shot.
Then I paid my huge co-pay (it's huge because I'm on the cheapest insurance plan possible) and left. As I was walking down the hallway the doctor's receptionist bolted out of the office, ran towards me, and handed me my receipt, which apparently I had forgotten to take when I left. Relieved, she went back into the office, and suddenly I found myself standing in the hallway holding a piece of trash. This phenomenon is a continual frustration of mine. Anytime I buy anything, I end up leaving with my product in one hand and a piece of trash in the other. And then I end up littering. I couldn't even leave the doctor's office without a piece of trash to go.
*I've been a lifelong fan of Goofus and Gallant. But I'm full of questions. What the hell is Goofus's problem? Why is he such a prick? In the issue in the waiting room, Goofus didn't treat stuff he borrows from others well. They showed him carelessly dropping a library book on the ground. And then there's Gallant, that little candy ass. Apparently Gallant treats borrowed items as if they were his own. I think there's gotta be something else going on with him, some weird shit in his past. And I'd bet anything that he's an asshole in real life to fans, like Bill Cosby.
I think they should have a modern day Goofus and Gallant. They'd show Goofus forcing himself on a struggling girl, while Gallant would always ask first. Then Goofus would "take his chances," but Gallant would pull out, etc.
It all began with the waiting room, where I caught up with Highlights stars Goofus and Gallant* and demolished the hidden pictures in record time. An hour after my set appointment, I was called in to the doctor's office. He asked me about myself. When I explained that I was a composer, he commented that he plays the guitar for the show Deadwood, and said I should call him if I ever need a guitarist. The doctor. Only in Los Angeles.
Then he gave me my immunizations for Asia. Shots have really lost their mystique. I don't know why they were such a big deal was when I was younger. A paper cut hurts more than a shot.
Then I paid my huge co-pay (it's huge because I'm on the cheapest insurance plan possible) and left. As I was walking down the hallway the doctor's receptionist bolted out of the office, ran towards me, and handed me my receipt, which apparently I had forgotten to take when I left. Relieved, she went back into the office, and suddenly I found myself standing in the hallway holding a piece of trash. This phenomenon is a continual frustration of mine. Anytime I buy anything, I end up leaving with my product in one hand and a piece of trash in the other. And then I end up littering. I couldn't even leave the doctor's office without a piece of trash to go.
*I've been a lifelong fan of Goofus and Gallant. But I'm full of questions. What the hell is Goofus's problem? Why is he such a prick? In the issue in the waiting room, Goofus didn't treat stuff he borrows from others well. They showed him carelessly dropping a library book on the ground. And then there's Gallant, that little candy ass. Apparently Gallant treats borrowed items as if they were his own. I think there's gotta be something else going on with him, some weird shit in his past. And I'd bet anything that he's an asshole in real life to fans, like Bill Cosby.
I think they should have a modern day Goofus and Gallant. They'd show Goofus forcing himself on a struggling girl, while Gallant would always ask first. Then Goofus would "take his chances," but Gallant would pull out, etc.
My Quest for Urban Domination
One of my main goals in life is to be the first Tim Urban on the list of search results on google. There's a long way to go though. After searching for myself, I saw that my Back Page Sports article is the 10th on the list of googled items, and this idiot blog is 21st. Standing in my way are Dr. Tim Urban in Texas, Tim Urban, the CEO of NuWave Industries, Tim Urban, the professor of Operations Management at the University of Tulsa, Tim Urban, the president of Gerson Company, and Tim Urban, who's running for mayor in West Des Moines, Iowa.
The potential mayor is most worrisome. If he wins, he'll sure up the top google spot for years to come. Even at msn.com, where I reign as #1, Tim Urban the mayor would overtake me if he were to win. Plus, I'll have to deal with endless inquiries along the lines of, "Any relation to the West Des Moines mayor?" anytime I introduce myself. If he wins, I'm going to immediately run for mayor of Los Angeles to trump him. Needless to say, I'll be following this race intensely.
Right now he's promising to build a "big city-type complex" in West Des Moines, creating a real "center of town." He's promising to "bring elements of a big city to suburban West Des Moines."
Bullshit.
I haven't heard a more idle and empty promise since I promised "the best prom ever" in my bid for Class President. West Des Moines is a small farming community and cannot sustain this type of "big city complex." What's next, a promise to bring an NFL team to West Des Moines? A national "What happens in West Des Moines stays in West Des Moines" ad campaign? Let's hope this clown loses in a landslide.
The potential mayor is most worrisome. If he wins, he'll sure up the top google spot for years to come. Even at msn.com, where I reign as #1, Tim Urban the mayor would overtake me if he were to win. Plus, I'll have to deal with endless inquiries along the lines of, "Any relation to the West Des Moines mayor?" anytime I introduce myself. If he wins, I'm going to immediately run for mayor of Los Angeles to trump him. Needless to say, I'll be following this race intensely.
Right now he's promising to build a "big city-type complex" in West Des Moines, creating a real "center of town." He's promising to "bring elements of a big city to suburban West Des Moines."
Bullshit.
I haven't heard a more idle and empty promise since I promised "the best prom ever" in my bid for Class President. West Des Moines is a small farming community and cannot sustain this type of "big city complex." What's next, a promise to bring an NFL team to West Des Moines? A national "What happens in West Des Moines stays in West Des Moines" ad campaign? Let's hope this clown loses in a landslide.
Corporal Punishment
Last night I made a tragic decision to make and eat a cheese and salsa dip at 2am. It was extremely delicious, and at the time it seemed like a phenomenal idea. But I regretted the decision deeply when I was awake at 4am feeling like I had been impregnated by a manatee and the manatee's 200 pound baby was growing in my womb. Cutting to the chase, the Top Ten moments when my body has been the most angry with me:
10) The week after the time I went to the gym and did a full leg workout with a guy who regularly did full leg workouts. I couldn't walk for two months.
9) The day after the time I drank 20 beers during a 4 hour game of quarters.*
8) Last night at 4am.
7) The 5-year stage of my life in the early teens when I would get a supersize extra-value meal plus a 9-piece nuggets every time I went to McDonalds.
6) The time I spent the weekend in a dusty old mansion in the middle of nowhere and forgot to bring my asthma medication. I spent a week in the hospital afterwards, wishing I was in the hospital for a cooler problem.
5) The night freshman year of college when a girl and I went shot for shot up to 15 and I couldn't really see, hear, or feel the next day. If this experience is on my list, I imagine it's not an especially treasured memory of hers.
4) The time I got a professional massage from an abusive person who hurt me badly for an hour straight. For the most part I took it like a man, but I think I cried a few times in the middle. The government should use that masseuse to get info out of suspected terrorists.
3) The time I confidently insisted that I have dark enough skin that I never get sunburned and didn't wear lotion the first day in the Bahamas. I lost at least 4 years of my life that day.
2) The time I ate at Sbarro and threw up 64 times that night.
1) The time I wrote my whole 80-page college thesis in the last 3 days before it was due, and went over 60 hours without sleeping or eating. This ended with me collapsing while in line in CVS buying water on the way to print the paper. It wasn't a case of fainting-- my legs actually went numb and I went tumbling to the ground. Needless to say the other customers in line were surprised. Lying there, I explained, "I'm fine, just step over me" and eventually when I got up I needed help getting the money out of my wallet because my hands were numb and kept curling up on me against my will.
*One bright spot was that I beat BC basketball star Ryan Sidney in a game of quarters to 11 that night. Trash was being talked on both sides, and at one point I advised him to brush up on his French because he'd be playing ball in Europe soon enough.
10) The week after the time I went to the gym and did a full leg workout with a guy who regularly did full leg workouts. I couldn't walk for two months.
9) The day after the time I drank 20 beers during a 4 hour game of quarters.*
8) Last night at 4am.
7) The 5-year stage of my life in the early teens when I would get a supersize extra-value meal plus a 9-piece nuggets every time I went to McDonalds.
6) The time I spent the weekend in a dusty old mansion in the middle of nowhere and forgot to bring my asthma medication. I spent a week in the hospital afterwards, wishing I was in the hospital for a cooler problem.
5) The night freshman year of college when a girl and I went shot for shot up to 15 and I couldn't really see, hear, or feel the next day. If this experience is on my list, I imagine it's not an especially treasured memory of hers.
4) The time I got a professional massage from an abusive person who hurt me badly for an hour straight. For the most part I took it like a man, but I think I cried a few times in the middle. The government should use that masseuse to get info out of suspected terrorists.
3) The time I confidently insisted that I have dark enough skin that I never get sunburned and didn't wear lotion the first day in the Bahamas. I lost at least 4 years of my life that day.
2) The time I ate at Sbarro and threw up 64 times that night.
1) The time I wrote my whole 80-page college thesis in the last 3 days before it was due, and went over 60 hours without sleeping or eating. This ended with me collapsing while in line in CVS buying water on the way to print the paper. It wasn't a case of fainting-- my legs actually went numb and I went tumbling to the ground. Needless to say the other customers in line were surprised. Lying there, I explained, "I'm fine, just step over me" and eventually when I got up I needed help getting the money out of my wallet because my hands were numb and kept curling up on me against my will.
*One bright spot was that I beat BC basketball star Ryan Sidney in a game of quarters to 11 that night. Trash was being talked on both sides, and at one point I advised him to brush up on his French because he'd be playing ball in Europe soon enough.
Oblivious
There is a pretty girl who works in the smoothie place outside my building, which I regularly frequent. I always smile at her awkwardly, and finally today I struck up a conversation. Everything went smoothly, up to the point when she mentioned that SHE WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL. This further confirms that I have absolutely no sense of people's ages. Waiters in particular. If someone is waiting on me, they can be 12 and I'll think they're 29.
Common Sense
When I go to the gym, I look ridiculous enough wearing big mesh shorts and sneakers, so I try not to compound the matter by wearing socks that go up too high.
I wear extremely low socks when I go to the gym.
I wear extremely low socks when I go to the gym.
The Bird Flu
I just got a call from my grandparents, from their new cell phone. Here is the transcript:
ME: Hello?
GRANDFATHER: Shirley, how do you know when they pick up?
ME: Papa.* I'm here. Hi.
GRANDFATHER: Do you have to press a button? Where the hell is the button on this thing?
ME: PAPA! HI!
GRANDFATHER: Shirley, I don't think it's working. How the hell do you know when they pick up?
ME: [yelling] PAPA!! I'M HERE!!
At this point he hung up. I called back and got the machine. I hung up and called back again and my grandmother picked up.
GRANDMOTHER: [in a very worried and concerned voice] Hello?
ME: [yelling, slowly] NANA, HI IT'S TIM.
GRANDMOTHER: It's who??....Oh, Timothy! We've been trying to call you.
ME: I KNOW NANA. HOW ARE YOU?
GRANDMOTHER: We're fine Timothy. Don't go to Vietnam.**
ME: I'M NOT GOING TO CATCH THE BIRD FLU NANA, DON'T WORRY.
GRANDMOTHER: Timothy, we watched 60 Minutes last night, and we learned of a terrible virus in Southeast Asia.
ME: I KNOW NANA, I KNOW ABOUT THE BIRD FLU, BUT I'VE DONE SOME RESEARCH AND IT DOESN'T SEEM TO BE A REAL REASON NOT TO GO.
GRANDMOTHER: Have you heard about this virus Timothy? It was on 60 Minutes last night. It's in Southeast Asia and you shouldn't go there.
ME: YES, NANA. I KNOW ABOUT THE BIRD FLU, BUT I DON'T THINK IT'S A RATIONAL REASON TO CHANGE THE TRIP.
GRANDMOTHER: Your Grandfather wants to talk to you.
GRANDFATHER: Timothy?
ME: HI PAPA.
GRANDFATHER: Is he there Shirley?
ME: [screaming] PAPA I'M HERE!
GRANDFATHER: What? Oh, there he is!
ME: PAPA LISTEN I'VE DONE RESEARCH AND I DON'T WANT YOU TO WORRY ABOUT THE BIR--
GRANDFATHER: Timothy, do you ever watch 60 Minutes?
ME: YES SOMETIMES PAPA BUT--
GRANDFATHER: Timothy your Grandmother and I were watching 60 Minutes last night and the whole show was about this terrible virus in Asia and that's exactly where you're going!
ME: I KNOW, BUT I'VE DONE SOME RESEARCH ABOUT IT AND I THINK IT'S OKAY.
[pause]
GRANDFATHER: Shirley what's wrong with the phone.
ME: [shrieking] PAPA I'M RIGHT HERE I HEAR YOU.
GRANDFATHER: Oh it's working again. Timothy there's this terrible virus right now in Southeast Asia.
ME: I KNOW ABOUT THE VIRUS PAPA. I'VE DONE SOME--
GRANDFATHER: Don't be a fool Timothy, this virus is a killer!
ME: OKAY PAPA. YOU'RE RIGHT. LISTEN I HAVE TO GO BUT I'LL CALL YOU SOON.
GRANDFATHER: Timothy we're going to the supermarket so we have to go, but you stay away from Asia, you hear me!
ME: YES I HEAR YOU. OKAY, BYE.
So yes, I'm going on a trip to the epicenter of the bird flu. But only a few hundred humans in all the Southeast Asian countries combined have contracted the flu in the past 5 years. In that same timespan in the same region, no doubt thousands have died in car and bus accidents, not to mention all the other ways people die. It just doesn't seem like a rational reason to skip a trip. I compare it to skipping a trip to Israel because of fear of suicide bombers, when 60 times more people are killed by car accidents than by suicide bombs in Israel each year. I probably have as much of a chance of getting in a plane crash on the way to Asia as I do of catching the flu.***
*Yes, I call my grandfather Papa. Get over it.
**I'm travelling with my friend Andrew to Thailand, Cambodia and Vietnam over Christmas Break.
***If I catch the flu while I'm in Asia, this entry will be deleted from the blog immediately upon return.
ME: Hello?
GRANDFATHER: Shirley, how do you know when they pick up?
ME: Papa.* I'm here. Hi.
GRANDFATHER: Do you have to press a button? Where the hell is the button on this thing?
ME: PAPA! HI!
GRANDFATHER: Shirley, I don't think it's working. How the hell do you know when they pick up?
ME: [yelling] PAPA!! I'M HERE!!
At this point he hung up. I called back and got the machine. I hung up and called back again and my grandmother picked up.
GRANDMOTHER: [in a very worried and concerned voice] Hello?
ME: [yelling, slowly] NANA, HI IT'S TIM.
GRANDMOTHER: It's who??....Oh, Timothy! We've been trying to call you.
ME: I KNOW NANA. HOW ARE YOU?
GRANDMOTHER: We're fine Timothy. Don't go to Vietnam.**
ME: I'M NOT GOING TO CATCH THE BIRD FLU NANA, DON'T WORRY.
GRANDMOTHER: Timothy, we watched 60 Minutes last night, and we learned of a terrible virus in Southeast Asia.
ME: I KNOW NANA, I KNOW ABOUT THE BIRD FLU, BUT I'VE DONE SOME RESEARCH AND IT DOESN'T SEEM TO BE A REAL REASON NOT TO GO.
GRANDMOTHER: Have you heard about this virus Timothy? It was on 60 Minutes last night. It's in Southeast Asia and you shouldn't go there.
ME: YES, NANA. I KNOW ABOUT THE BIRD FLU, BUT I DON'T THINK IT'S A RATIONAL REASON TO CHANGE THE TRIP.
GRANDMOTHER: Your Grandfather wants to talk to you.
GRANDFATHER: Timothy?
ME: HI PAPA.
GRANDFATHER: Is he there Shirley?
ME: [screaming] PAPA I'M HERE!
GRANDFATHER: What? Oh, there he is!
ME: PAPA LISTEN I'VE DONE RESEARCH AND I DON'T WANT YOU TO WORRY ABOUT THE BIR--
GRANDFATHER: Timothy, do you ever watch 60 Minutes?
ME: YES SOMETIMES PAPA BUT--
GRANDFATHER: Timothy your Grandmother and I were watching 60 Minutes last night and the whole show was about this terrible virus in Asia and that's exactly where you're going!
ME: I KNOW, BUT I'VE DONE SOME RESEARCH ABOUT IT AND I THINK IT'S OKAY.
[pause]
GRANDFATHER: Shirley what's wrong with the phone.
ME: [shrieking] PAPA I'M RIGHT HERE I HEAR YOU.
GRANDFATHER: Oh it's working again. Timothy there's this terrible virus right now in Southeast Asia.
ME: I KNOW ABOUT THE VIRUS PAPA. I'VE DONE SOME--
GRANDFATHER: Don't be a fool Timothy, this virus is a killer!
ME: OKAY PAPA. YOU'RE RIGHT. LISTEN I HAVE TO GO BUT I'LL CALL YOU SOON.
GRANDFATHER: Timothy we're going to the supermarket so we have to go, but you stay away from Asia, you hear me!
ME: YES I HEAR YOU. OKAY, BYE.
So yes, I'm going on a trip to the epicenter of the bird flu. But only a few hundred humans in all the Southeast Asian countries combined have contracted the flu in the past 5 years. In that same timespan in the same region, no doubt thousands have died in car and bus accidents, not to mention all the other ways people die. It just doesn't seem like a rational reason to skip a trip. I compare it to skipping a trip to Israel because of fear of suicide bombers, when 60 times more people are killed by car accidents than by suicide bombs in Israel each year. I probably have as much of a chance of getting in a plane crash on the way to Asia as I do of catching the flu.***
*Yes, I call my grandfather Papa. Get over it.
**I'm travelling with my friend Andrew to Thailand, Cambodia and Vietnam over Christmas Break.
***If I catch the flu while I'm in Asia, this entry will be deleted from the blog immediately upon return.
Shiny Shell
Armed with a toothbrush and a bucket of warm water, I just gave my tiny turtle a bath. He became embarrassed in the process, and struck back by pooping on my wrist. We haven't spoken since, but I'm sure he'll cool down by tomorrow.
Why?
I don't usually listen to the radio in the car, but the other day I did, and heard the Alanis Morissette song "You Live You Learn." At the time, this didn't seem like an significant event. But after being plagued with it for 72 hours and counting, I wonder if I'm being punished for something. And couldn't it have at least been "You Oughta Know"? I tried listening to other music yesterday, and thought I had solved the problem, but 3 minutes after I turned it off, she began wailing again, and is currently wailing me to sleep. It's starting to hit me that there's a chance I may never again be free.
I live. I learn.
I live. I learn.
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